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WELCOME, ACTION COOKBOOK, JR.

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YOU HAVE A LONG LIFE OF SPORTS FRUSTRATION AHEAD OF YOU, SO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THESE EARLY DAYS

Chris Jackson/Getty Images

This weekend, EDSBS contributor/Photoshop monster Action Cookbook and his wife welcomed their son into the world. We therefore feel it is appropriate to send the boy some words of welcome:

Dear Action Cookbook, Junior,

By the time you're old enough to read this, all written language will have been replaced by memes, so that's the only part of this post you'll understand. All the same, we want to say hello and wish you well. Your dad is a fan of several Cleveland professional teams and a college football team that's really hoping that the cure for Tommy Tuberville's wanderlust was Skyline. If you choose to join him in these allegiances, you probably have some struggle ahead of you, and, for that, we are sorry.

(Of course, you could choose to be rebellious and root for all the teams your dad hates. Blink twice if you want to go that route and we will send you a Steelers jersey that says BIG BLUE NATION on the back.)

We don't want to dwell on what might happen, though. After all, you were born on the same day that the USWNT won the World Cup. All you know so far of sports is triumph and happiness. To that end, these are the following things that have never happened in your life so far:

- A single football win by Alabama, Notre Dame, FSU, Miami, Florida, Ohio State, Michigan, USC, Oregon, Auburn, Texas, Oklahoma, LSU, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Stanford, Michigan State, Penn State, Texas A&M, West Virginia, or UConn. We know UConn's not good now, but maybe your future is one in which the Huskies are a powerhouse, something we laugh at from the past without remembering the Walt Harris years at Stanford.

- Lane Kiffin as a head coach, at any level.

- A playoff controversy, or any discussion about expanding the playoffs.

- A fat guy touchdown called back because of illegal man downfield or some other penalty.

- An SEC team winning the national championship, leading to every other school in the conference proclaiming that they are Football God's most special children.

- A team from another conference beating the SEC to win a national championship, leading them to proclaim that they have summited the unclimbable even though a month ago insisting the SEC was straight trash.

- College football discussions that bring up the SEC for no damn reason. Sorry.

See, it's a pretty good life you've got so far, kid. We hope you keep up the streak for many years to come.