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Dear Mr. Miller,

As America's best-known stepdad, I can appreciate the challenges you have to deal with at home. It's a tricky balance, trying to earn your stepchild's trust without coming on too strong. But I've found that Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have come to respect and love me over the years because I offer steady support and try not to impede on their individuality. We have our missteps, sure, and there are always places where I can improve as a father figure. The important thing is to never make your stepkids feel like they're unimportant.

That being said, I think you should know that you're kind of screwing things up for the rest of us.

It's not cool that Laremy beat you up, and badly. He's 6'5 and 305 pounds; you, I assume as a matter of probability, are not. Frustrating as it is when one of your children acts out, you have to turn the other cheek, even if that cheek gets smashed. You have to set the example, after all.

But now you're threatening to expose major recruiting violations Laremy may have been a part of, and, well, I can't help but think this is more about revenge than parenting. It may be that you think young Laremy's going down a negative path and doing things that are detrimental to his future. Is this the way to address it, though? Teaching right from wrong is one of your main jobs as a stepfather, sure. And while I normally wouldn't judge another man's choices without walking in his shoes, I'm worried you're more likely to alienate Laremy than help him.

Beyond that, I want you to know that, as a now-public stepfather, your actions carry weight beyond your family. Believe me, I knew every episode that stepkids and stepdads across America would be looking to me and the girls for guidance. That's a burden that now falls on you, so tread lightly. If you're burning your stepson for your own reasons, you'll be making this relationship harder and more strained for stepfathers all over the country.

Anyways, I wish you well and I hope you and Laremy can patch things up soon. Oh, and you do realize he'll be going to the NFL either way, right? Gonna feel pretty stupid when you find out the rewards for NCAA whistleblowers are a handshake and a thank you letter.


TV's Mike Brady

P.S. Can you ask Coach Freeze if he's got a free scholarship for Peter? No way I can send six kids to college on a 1970s architect's salary.