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THE MC OPENS A WHATABURGER IN YOUR HEART

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BRET BIELEMA CONTINUES TO DRIVE THE PROGRAM TO NEW HEIGHTS

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Fayetteville is losing their damn minds over the opening of the town's new Whataburger, and with good reason. Whataburger is consistent and delicious, and serves a breakfast with honey butter chicken biscuits so good it will make your ass fall off, go get another ass, and then make a whole city of magnificent asses on your back. We ate a Thanksgiving meal there once, and cried in the parking lot because it was so good, and maybe also because our blood sugar was dangerously low.

(P.S. We cry in a lot of fast food parking lots during football season.)

Fayetteville is also building a fearsomely stacked fast food menu for the incoming recruit. They've got a Braum's Ice Cream for the farm boys, a mess of Chick-Fil-As for the suburban kids, a Popeyes for the Louisiana dudes, and now Whataburger for the Texas recruits. They even have a Zaxby's, lest they lack the salt-piled chicken that feeds only the largest defensive tackle recruits from rural Georgia and Alabama.

Don't assume any of this is a coincidence. If anyone's gonna get a fast food United Nations going in the Ozarks to attract only the finest hoss-sized recruits, it's Bret Bielema. The Hogluminati knows what they're doing here, and what they're doing is making sure that every recruit has their own preferred feeding trough at the ready. When the In-N-Out opens in Fayetteville, you'll know that the California pipeline is open and ready to go. Other teams may promise a home for the soul, but Arkansas? They know the quickest way to a lineman's heart is straight through the deep-fryer