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ASHLEY MASCOTIN'

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WE REVEAL THE DARK SECRETS BEHIND THE MASKS

Yesterday, news broke that hackers claim to have gained access to notorious cheating-spouse-dating-site Ashley Madison's servers, and are threatening to make the names, photos and sexual proclivities of nearly 40 million users public.

Cheaters across America likely drew in their breath in apprehension of their potentially ruinous exposure. What would it mean for their marriages, their careers, their reputations? Sure, they've done things that others might consider taboo or morally reprehensible, but they're not public figures - is it fair to expose them to the harsh, judging mobs of the internet?

We, a subsidiary of Vox Media, Inc, "the less-edgy Gawker", say: yes!

Thanks to an anonymous tipster with no ulterior motives, we've obtained a sneak preview of the hacked profiles from within the college football world.

EXPOSED: "M.R.", Lubbock, Texas

Headline: Looking for My Pony

Likes: anonymity, danger, getting freaky in dark, enclosed spaces like maybe a locked storage shed or something

Looking for: a sexy lady who knows anything, simply anything about defense

EXPOSED: "B.C.", Cincinnati, Ohio

Headline: I Smell Like Popcorn Right Now

Likes: Three, maybe four-year trysts before you find something better to do with your time; 3-, 4- and 5-ways; someone who's willing to get a little rough with me

Looking for: always interested in new group adventures

EXPOSED: "HH", Iowa City, Iowa

Headline: Please, for the love of god, I just want to score once more in my life

Likes: I'm in a loveless long-term marriage that's just too expensive to get out of, someone just hold me, I need to feel alive again

Looking for: I would also be open to someone who would kill me for money

EXPOSED: "T.T", College Park, Maryland

Headline: Finally Coming Out Of My Shell

Likes: Breaking away from my tired old circle of acquaintances, trying new things, money

Looking for: I said money, right, you've got money? You said you had money. You look nice today.

EXPOSED: "Mr. C", Lafayette, Louisiana

Headline: Let's spice things up

Likes: Fun in the sun, women who know how to field-dress an alligator

Looking for: someone to make a roux with

EXPOSED: "S.T.M", Amherst, Massachusetts

Headline: I Really Don't Care For My Name And I Assure You It Does Not Reflect My Abilities As A Lover

Likes: Quiet places where we can be alone together

Looking for: Less MACtion, more satisfaction

EXPOSED: "P.P.", West Lafayette, Indiana

Headline: I Am Definitely Not Going To Murder You Once We Meet, Why Did I Even Bring That Up, Don't Be Silly

Likes: Come alone, tell no one where you are going. You don't own a weapon, do you? Good.

Looking for: Someone who will not be missed for several days

EXPOSED: "B.P.", Louisville, Kentucky

Headline: I Was Assured That This Website Had Strong Security Measures In Place

Likes: You, baby, I like you. I'm not gonna run out on you or nothin'. We're gonna build something here together that lasts, and I mean it this time.

Looking for: hey, is that your sister? Can you introduce me?