clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL EXPLORES BAD HYPOTHETICAL LIVE MASCOTS

New, 946 comments

BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE A RALPHIE OR A MIKE.

Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

We here at EDSBS are liable to talk about mascots now and then. Whether it's a quiz which I did particularly poorly in attempting to name the mascot's names, or ranking which ones we'd prefer to eat, they are an important topic to help get us through the offseason.

A standard internet discussion is which team would have the best live mascot. Colorado is hard to beat for the teams that currently have a live mascot, and Michigan, we really wish you had an actual wolverine shut up don't listen to the insurance company IT WOULD BE SO FUN.

But the road less travelled in this instance: What would be the worst live mascot? Let's limit this to mascots which are actually alive, and not like, forces of nature or things that don't actually exist. "Oh look, Tulane's mascot is here and now the field is flooded again, great job." This list excepts the following: dogs, big cats, dudes with guns or some kind of weapon, most birds, etc. That's not to say bulldogs or wildcats are particularly creative or original, but whatever, they're fine.

So, in no particular order:

Georgia Tech: It's either a single wasp, or a hive with a couple guys in beekeeper outfits standing around it. Best case scenario is you can't even see it from the stands, and worst case, you're getting your ass stung by a bunch of bees while Paul Johnson just looks on AND DOESN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP.

Duke: This just seems ill-advised, but hey, maybe putting your soul on the line to go watch a Duke football game in person will get the blood pumping.

Syracuse: Fruit ain't a mascot, Pawl.

Minnesota: Goldy is a mascot of the highest order, but an actual gopher is decidedly not rad.

Stanford: Oh sure, their current tree mascot is delightfully weird, but an actual tree in the stadium isn't helping sight lines and also you know someone's just going to run into it. Actually, nevermind, let's plant it at the 50.

Oregon: Again, their actual mascot is great. An actual duck is not, and is just going to poop everywhere.

Arizona State: See Duke, but wearing a cutoff "Female Body Inspector" shirt and shutter shades.

Vanderbilt: Cool, a rich guy. He'll spend the whole game on his phone and talk incessantly with everyone around him about the capital gains tax. This is why he never gets invited to parties.