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THE ARBY'S CONSPIRACIES

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WHY DOES STEVE SPURRIER VISIT THE SAME ARBY'S AFTER EVERY SEC MEDIA DAY?

1. Years ago, while this Arby's was still under construction, Steve Spurrier drove by. The shocks on his car were nearly shot, weighed down by four duffle bags stuffed with krugerrand. 24 hours earlier, it'd all been in Dan Snyder's safe. And now Spurrier needed to hide it - fast.

2. This Arby's contains every SEC team's allotment of passing yards for the upcoming season. Prior to 1995, this knowledge was known only to Steve Spurrier. Since then, the news has slowly spread to other teams, and now Spurrier is forced to split them with everyone else with relative equality among teams. Will Muschamp attempted to find this Arby's once. He was rescued by Alabama Fish and Wildlife officials in Cheaha State Park days later, bloody and crying about the "man inside his cellphone he killed for tellin' him how to drive."

3. The Fountain of Youth is located at this Arby's. Its healing elixir flows freely from the beverage station, concealed under a label no Alabaman would ever consider potable: "Water."

4. In 1992, Linda Ronstadt sent a letter to Spurrier. It was short, but clear:

ARBY'S I-65, EXIT 255 1:30 PM ¡BESOS!

But she'd neglected to put a date. Never one to quit, he's shown up here every day since.

5. Shows up to make absurdly complex modifications to simple dishes, and then complain about them to Arby's #1506 Day Manager Jackie Sherrill.

6. Poses as a state health inspector, warning management to be on the lookout for a quarantine escapee named "Bret Bielema." He leaves each franchise two items: a blacklight ("check his scalp if you don't believe me") and an incendiary grenade.

7. Visits yearly to ask if the store is "Clemson football, because I heard y'all got turnovers."

8. Pulls back around five minutes later, asks if the store is "Tennessee football, because you don't know what bowls are anymore."

9.He doesn't even buy anything. Just shows up, pulls out a giant check, writes "AUBURN DOCTORATE IN FILL-O-SOPHY PROGRAM" in the memo line, and hands it to the employee checking the horsey sauce pump.

10. He orders food, hands the slip reading "This is a robbery" to the staff, takes the cash with his food in a bag, and leaves a hundred for the cashier in the ice bin. No one has ever called the police, and no one ever will.