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JIM HARBAUGH'S PARISIAN TRAVEL ADVICE

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JOHN OF MICHIGAN > JOAN OF ARC

NUMBER ONE! You're gonna need a guidebook; traveling abroad without one is like going into a game without a playbook. And I only did that the one time against Cal because John bet me lunch I couldn't.

The only thing sweeter than the win was the chicken teriyaki you had to pay for, John. And I'm not sorry I ordered a bottle of plum wine that I only had one glass of.

My guidebook of choice? Rick Steves. I respect his tireless work ethic, his passion for small details, and his love of a color scheme.

The only travel guide that comes in Michigan State colors is a city bus schedule.

NUMBER TWO! Avoid the obvious tourist traps. You don't enroll at Michigan to be like everyone else, so don't be a lemming when you travel. Take Sacré-Cœur, for instance, a magnificent basilica you have to climb a hill to visit (IF YOU TAKE THE FUNICULAR YOU DO NOT HAVE THE FIRE NECESSARY TO PLAY FOR ME), giving you an amazing view of the entire Paris skyline.

We loved it. Can't recommend it enough. Architecturally, this basilica has no quit, and it inspires me every day. By comparison, Notre Dame is a trash heap. Let me reiterate: Notre Dame is a boring, dirty, cold, weak excuse of a cathedral designed to trick Atlantic seaboard retirees into wasting their money. It's a teardown. Don't bother.

NUMBER THREE! Enjoy the local cuisine. THIS BAGUETTE HAS THE CALORIC INTENSITY I NEED TO CLIMB THE EIFFEL TOWER WITHOUT A SAFETY HARNESS AND I WILL DO IT JUST SO I CAN PUT THIS MICHIGAN HAT ON THE TOP OF IT. YOU JUST COMMITTED TO MICHIGAN, PARISIANS.

The Coca-Cola is for the administrative staff in the athletic department. I promised to bring them a souvenir, and we're going to throw these at Dave Brandon's car windows. Ceci n'est pas une loss to Maryland, you asshole.