KEVIN WILSON CAN BEAT UP MANY THINGS

Kevin Wilson can beat up Wake Forest. Don't act like you can't be proud of being sure you can beat up Wake Forest. It's an accomplishment and if you don't believe it then just ask Jeff Bowden.

The self-checkout attendant at the grocery store. The problem isn't that he doesn't know the code for Jonagolds, Louis. The problem is your dang touch screen sucks.

Tom Crean. It won't be easy because he's probably a biter. Okay, just between us and an unnamed Bloomington animal control officer, he's definitely a biter. (And much, much stronger than he looks)

UMass. UMass isn't on the schedule until 2017, but that doesn't mean he won't whoop em now. And that's a national championship team! Sure, it was in '98 and FCS, but it's more than Virginia Tech's done.

A bobcat. Either the real thing or Frank Solich wearing a hockey mask. I've done both.

Don Flamenco. I'VE LEARNED YOUR PATTERN AND YES I WILL PETITION TO HAVE THIS COUNT TOWARDS OUR BOWL ELIGIBILITY.

Greg. You know you've got it coming, Greg.

Me. Sometimes I see myself in the locker room and arrrgggh all I want to do is beat me up! I'm always naked when it happens. I appear at the end of the aisle, and I yell "HEY LOSER" and run into the nearest locker. When I get there, there's nothing, and I've disappeared except for a note that reads "Kevin! You will never catch me, because the reality of life is the chase, and all goals are fictions of the ego!" I always eat the card and shake my fist at the ceiling! I'LL GET YOU SOMEDAY YOU BASTARD, ME!

Jeff Dunham. I can't believe he tricked me into investing so much money into his proposed theme restaurant, Master Chef of Puppets. But I will take my seed money back -- in blood.

An ostrich. It's got two and a half feet of strangle-able neck lives in the desert and lays eggs all the time.

Kliff Kingsbury. See previous entry.

Moon. Goodnight, Moon.

Mark Cuban. How are you gonna turn down an opportunity to invest in a chain of barber shops that are also taekwondo studios? The hair provides cushioning and saves on pad costs, you fool!

The SEC East champion. Dare you to challenge us again, Pinkel.