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THE MC LETS PAUL JOHNSON ANNOUNCE A GAME IN IRELAND

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ANOTHER THRILLING INTERACTION BETWEEN PAUL JOHNSON AND THE MEDIA RE: A NEW GAME IN IRELAND

USA TODAY Sports

This morning's Morning Constitutional features Paul Johnson discussing his team's agreement to play their 2016 opener in Dublin versus Boston College.

YEAH, we're playing a game in Ireland. I'll answer a few questions about if I have to.

Who are you playing?

Ourselves. Boston College will also be there. Says right there in the press release. Thought you'd read that but I assume things some times. You know what happens when you assume?

You make an ass out of u and me?

No. What's this got to do with me. You calling me an ass?

No, Paul, I--

Not that I care. I was gonna say that when you assume, you take something as a given in a situation. We don't do that here. I don't know you're not a robot. That's why I keep a loaded shotgun in my office bolted to the underside of this desk. It doesn't care if you're metal or flesh. Just does its job.

[a moment of tense silence and the smell of fear]

What do you know about Ireland?

It's over there.

Over where?

I don't know. Do you know? Are you a map? I'm not a map. My name's Paul. It's not map. Media wants you to be something else, but I'm never gonna be a map. Why do y'all want me to be a map?

No one wants you to be a map, Paul.

Well that's not what it sounds like. Sounds like you got a frame and a hammer and a nail. Or you're gonna spread me out on a table and put toy soldiers on me and roll dice and probably try to play Risk on me. You're probably that son of a bitch who works the Australia strategy. You're that guy, aren't you?

Paul, I--

Just say it.

I always try to take Australia.

Of course you do.

Do they have football in Ireland?

I don't know. My job's not Person-Who-Knows-About-Ireland. They might have football. They might not. When we're there, they'll have some football, I promise that. When we leave, they might not. Seems pretty basic to me. Might not to you, but that's you, not me.

What do you have to say about Boston College as your opponent?

They'll have eleven men on both sides of the ball, just like we will. If they don't, we can't play football. I also think they're from Boston, but I can't say that for certain. You might say that for certain. But that's the media for you.

Why Ireland?

I dunno. Why don't you ask yourself in a mirror and see if you get a good answer? You probably won't. I go where they tell me to go. You want to tell me where to go? Write me a check and I'll go there. I got a job to do here. You wanna write me a check?

No I--

Write me a check for seven dollars and fifty cents right now, son.

I didn't bring my checkbook with me.

Well give me your debit card. If you're serious about this, that is.

No, Paul, I--

Coach. Coach Johnson. Only three people can call me Paul: my daddy, my momma, and the Grim Reaper.

Wait, your wife doesn't call you Paul?

Not before 8 p.m. she doesn't. Give me whatever credit card you have on you.

This is my Visa card with a $4,000 credit limit.

Thank you. I'm gonna cut it up with this machete I also keep in my office. I'm gonna do that right now. You can watch. Or not. I don't care.

[he hacks up the credit card and also part of his desk with the machete without ever changing expression]

Thank you Coach Johnson.

Call me Paul.

Well thank you, Paul.

Don't ever call me that again you son of a bitch.