DAVE BRANDON'S TOY CHEST

Earlier this week, it was announced that erstwhile University of Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon was named the new CEO of chronically-struggling toy retailer Toys 'R' Us. Naturally, this move was met with skepticism from college sports fans familiar with his somewhat rocky tenure at Michigan, but Brandon's experienced financial success in previous stops with direct-mail company Valassis and prank-pizza deliverer Domino's.

Could the former Michigan backup quarterback engineer a fourth-quarter comeback for the once-beloved toy behemoth? Well, our intrepid corporate spies have already uncovered some of the new products that'll he'll be rolling out shortly.

[cracks open classified correspondence]

What's the only thing kids love more than video games? Pizza! And who better to bring the best of both together than the man who spearheaded Domino's seminal "We sold you shit for 20 years and we're sorta sorry" campaign?

In this gripping strategy game, you'll track the price of cheese product ingredients! You'll make sure employees stay under 30 hours a week! You'll analyze focus-group findings! You'll conceptualize supply-chain streamlining!

Please note there is no pizza in this game.

Okay, you're sad about the pizza thing. That happened a lot at Domino's, too. But this game's a lot more fun!

All you have to do is minimize your personal exposure while maximizing risk! The best part is, you simply can't lose!

Didn't like that one either, huh? Boy, tough crowd. Alright, what about this one? It's a classic!

Touch the sides, whatever, I'm not watching.

What do you mean the patient died? That's not even a function in the game. Well I don't care what the man on the news said, it's not my fault!

Fine, no more games. I was always glad when the games were over at Michigan, too.

But you kids like toys, right? Alright, well you're going to love this sober, technical history of them!

What do you mean, you didn't like the book? We spent a lot of money on that book, kid. You don't appreciate what a terrific value-add leather bindings really are for our brand.

Shit, you're crying now.

Ummm, well [looking around nervously] okay you kids like Pokémon, right? This is just like that.

Just, uh, go and collect your friends' names, address and household income figures, and I'll give you 30 cents for each. Gotta catch 'em all, right? Ha! Ha ha!

[deep, defeated exhale]

Alright, kid, I'm going to level with you. I actually devoted most of our shelf space to selling copies of this we salvaged when Borders closed. Got a great bulk deal. Pennies per ton.

Just go smack your brother with it or something.

Don't tell your mom I said that.