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COLLEGE TEAM SIGNS RICH HEIR FOR TOTALLY UNRELATED REASONS

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"OF COURSE WE SIGNED HIM BECAUSE HIS FAMILY'S RICH WHAT ARE YOU CRAZ--WAIT AM I STILL ON THIS PHONE CALL OH GOD DAMN IT"

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In an unexpected and somewhat bewildering move, Virginia has signed Ludwig von Habsburg, a 24-year-old from Austria.

When contacted, the coaching staff was very positive but incredibly vague in their praise of Habsburg's skill set. He has no experience playing American football, and weighs only 135 pounds despite already being several years older than every other member of the team. When asked to comment on that, coaches said they liked his "Uhhhh, untapped upside potential" and were excited that "He'll bring a fresh set of eyes to the game, yes, that's it."

Habsburg happens to be descended from the House of Habsburg, one of Europe's most powerful ruling families over the past thousand years. When asked specifically whether the team signed him based just on his family name, coaches were quick to dispel that notion, saying the situation was nothing at all like UCLA signing Justin Combs only because Diddy is his father. "No, that's not it at all. We love what this kid brings to the table: Enthusiasm, an insanely rich fam--uhhhh, versatility I said versatility GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

This is far from the first time a college team has brought in the child of a rich and famous person for little to no reason. Snoop Dogg's son Cordell just signed with UCLA this past February, although he has at least played the sport before. In basketball, USC once signed Master P's son, Romeo Miller, who just happened to be best friends with DeMar Derozan.

Will this start a new wave of recruiting from rich and powerful families? Is there a Rothschild teenager out there that can hold a football?