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THE MC PICKS LITERALLY ANY RIVAL AS A RIVAL

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CIVIL CONFLICT WHICH IS DEFINITELY AN ORIGINAL SERIES

David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

1. Civil Conflict was the worst alternate Law and Order knockoff ever.

2. When choosing a rivalry, be sure to seek out someone with literally no overlap in interests or cultural stakes. This ensures a hearty staring across the field wondering if the opposing fan even breathes the same gas, or considers the same items to be food.

3. Additionally, make sure the two teams are literally as far apart as two teams in conference or division can be. This ensures minimum attendance of games, and thus preserves a real mystery about who, or even what the opponent truly may be.

4. Do not wait for a rival to emerge organically, either. Just pick a team. Anyone will do. You need someone to fight and fight with malice as an organizing principle of your identity as a fan. You are leaving the bar at 4 a.m. and you must leave with someone. Hey, barstool. You're not my usual type but you'll do. Dinnertime and yes, I'll take anything in the seafood case. No, I don't even know if I'm allergic to mussels and have no idea how to cook them, but I'll just deep fry them and hope it works out.

5. STOP MAKING SAD THINGS AND BEING SAD, UCONN. JUST STOP AND ENGAGE IN A PLEASANT AND FORGETTABLE RIVALRY WITH TEMPLE AND INSULATE YOUR SADNESS BECAUSE WE ARE FLORIDA FANS AND WE HAVE ENOUGH SADNESS AT THE MOMENT TO KEEP US THROUGH THE NEXT FOUR WINTERS.