Come here. No, a little closer. No, even closer, pal. Get cozy. Don't be nervous. This isn't scary. A little closer, don't make this weird. You smell nice. No that's not a weird thing to say at all, I'm just complimenting your body wash. Is that coconut water and sandalwood? You smell of fictional Indochina. That's a compliment, and you'll take it as one.
Just a little closer. Yes, you know that you'll be watching the first game of the 2015 college football season live from Charlotte, and that it will feature South Carolina and North Carolina. It'll be like the Belk Bowl, but hot and with twice as much live Belkyness. That's great and you already knew that and seriously: this bath gel is KILLING IT. Don't ever use anything else, and sorry about yelling in your ear there.
Whispering again: but guess what you get to watch after that?
Oh yes. You get to watch Vanderbilt lose to a really good Western Kentucky team. THE DREAM. I'M YELLING THE DREAM OF OUR FOREFATHERS AND FOREMOTHERS IN YOUR EAR: A CONFERENCE-USA TEAM BEATING VANDY ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF THE SEASON. GLORIES LOUDER THAN YOUR EARS CAN IMAGINE. What are we saying, you ask, clinging to your permanently damaged eardrum?
Dust it off and prepare to use it, is what we're saying.