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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL SUMMONS THE USUAL NEST OF VIPERS

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HOOK 'EM, YOU TALKING SPREADSHEET, YOU

Brendan Maloney-USA TODAY Sports

If you have forgotten, let us remind you that Texas politics is a simple game. You strap a bag of snakes to your face, walk into a room full of other people with snakes strapped to their face, and then see if you can emerge as the last one standing.

This game of snakebag polka includes everything about the University of Texas, who recently upended their longtime football coach and athletic director and president in a particularly intense bout of snakebaggin'. One of these vacancies was taken by Steve Patterson, onetime president and GM of the Portland Trailblazers known for maximizing revenue and minimizing the respect of anyone who comes into contact with him. Introducing a tactless walking Excel sheet into this situation would, eventually, go as badly as you expected.

And that eventually is evidently "now, or last week, or maybe a few months ago, who knows." There's a lot here, and given Chip Brown's track record you can and should be somewhat skeptical. But if half of it is true, everyone already hates the new AD at Texas and with reason, since he appears to be nickel-and-diming the program down at every level and taking every available shortcut from the professional GM's handbook to maximize profit. (This includes attempting to get the City of Austin to pay for a facility, which LOLOLOLLLL good luck with that, buddy.)

The most damning bit, though?

* Sources said football coach Charlie Strong, who saw his and his coaching staff’s personal ticket allotment cut from eight to four last year, fought to increase the salaries of his eight quality control coaches from $24,000 to $50,000 after last season. Texas has the lowest salaries in the Big 12 for its quality control coaches – even behind last-place football finisher Kansas ($45,000). Strong’s request was denied by Patterson, and six of Texas’ eight quality control coaches who had built relationships with the rest of the staff, left to find better paying jobs, the sources said.

Paying less than Kansas for your QC coaches while running your own cable network off your athletics budget, largely funded by football. HOOK 'EM. As for one casualty of that snakebaggin'? He's just chillin' and hanging out with his close friend Matthew McConaughey, and probably laughing double-hard at the part about Patterson taking trips to Shanghai and Dubai to "raise the profile of the program."