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THE MC HAS TIPS FOR THE SMALL BUSINESSMAN

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THE SMALL, ILLEGAL BUSINESSMAN

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On Monday night, Antonio Allen was one of Indiana's starting safeties, the team's returning leading tackler, and not arrested. On Tuesday night, Antonio Allen was none of those things. It would be easy to look at Allen's alleged crimes and say "those are things he should not have done," but it is not particularly helpful. And because EDSBS strives to provide wisdom whenever possible, we've put together the following:

DRUG DEALING ADVICE FROM A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BOUGHT, SOLD, OR CONSUMED ILLEGAL DRUGS

Tip 1: Do not deal drugs. I know we just said that's not helpful advice, but, for serious, do not deal drugs, as it substantially increases your chance of going to prison, and prison suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Prison sucks so bad that Tim Donaghy ended up joining a WHITE POWER GANG.

Tip 2: If you ignore Tip 1 and decide to deal drugs, please do it without a weapon. Drugs are expensive and it's probably very stressful if yours get stolen, but the alternative is you shoot someone and either a) hope the cops are cool with this tale of self-defense or b) live in constant fear of retribution. Take the loss and write it off on your taxes.

Tip 3: If you ignore Tip 2, learn how to shape shift. This will prevent you from being positively identified by either the authorities or your enemies. You can even use this power to deflect blame on others. Now it's Jon Gosselin catching that charge!

Tip 4: If you ignore Tip 3, stick to selling items with hazy legal boundaries. Everyone knows that heroin is not a drug that you can sell and feign ignorance. But you get out there selling salvia and nitrous oxide? You can insist that these are substances used only for medicinal and tribal purposes, which you will list just as soon as this wikipedia page loads.

Tip 5: If you ignore Tip 4, just sell one substance. Getting popped for heroin AND cocaine AND meth looks so, so bad. If you just have one of those, you can hope that some jury will believe you had that much cocaine because you believe in buying in bulk for personal reasons. The Costcoke defense, if you will.

Tip 6: If you ignore Tip 5, be a corrupt Philly cop instead. It's way more profitable and you'll probably get away with it for a while.