LIVE A LIFE OF LUXURY IN ANN ARBOR

If you have three million dollars and a burning desire to live within bicycling distance of Michigan Stadium, we have a lovely new property listing you may want to take a look at. 34 acres of property, over 10,000 square feet of ranch home, a heated porch - it's the kind of place you can really see yourself settling down in long term. Take a look for yourself!

What a beautiful yard to come home to. Perfectly manicured, with a tasteful amount of landscaping, the ideal mix of privacy and hospitality. You can see that the previous owne-

Hmm? Your dog found a bone buried in the flower bed? Well, I'm sure it's not human. Most likely from some local wildlife. This is Pure Michigan, after all. Let's move along.

The kitchen is utilitarian but also an excellent gathering place. Dad's making scrambled eggs and bacon! Grab a chair and a cup of cocoa and let's have a good chat. Plenty of storage as well, as you can see.

Well, yes, it is unusual that some of these cabinets have combination locks built into them, but you can never be too safe when it comes to childproofing. Prevention is the best poison control, I always say.

No, I don't think it smells like rotting meat. Shall we take a look at the dining room?

Look at that flooring. The kind of craftsmanship you don't see in so many cookie cutter "luxury" homes, and just another example of the care and thought that went into constructing this property.

Oh, no. That's not a door to a hidden bunker under the table. It's decorative. Purely decorative. Let's take you into the laundry room, which is really something.

I know. It's nicer than some two bedroom apartments! Top of the line appliances, and the kind of place that almost makes doing chores a pleasant experience!

Oh, pay no attention to those towels in the washer. That's almost certainly wood stain, not blood. Why would it be blood.

Yes, it's a gorgeous property. Should we talk numbers now or - oh my, your husband seems very alarmed by the shoreline. No, I'm sure it's not an emergency. Sir, can I just get you to come back over here?

Goddammit.