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THE MC ASKS JOAKIM NOAH TO WATCH A FOOTBALL GAME

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IT'S BEEN A WHILE, FAIR ALIEN FRIEND

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

It might not be fair to assume Joakim Noah knows that Florida is a bad-to-mediocre football team right now, or that Cardale Jones rolled off the bench to beat the hide off Alabama with what appeared to be very little effort on his part. It might not be fair to assume Joakim Noah has much contact with this planet, actually. His home world looks something like Pandora from Avatar, but with more nudity and conventional, non-tentacle sex going on in the trees. And probably a Gumby's Pizza on every corner, and a few dispensaries.* Definitely more than a few dispensaries.

*This sounds a lot like Gainesville, minus the police creeping behind every tree, and probably with less crippling humidity.

SO: If Joakim Noah is conference trash-talking Cardale Jones just after he won the national title, know this. Very little of what concerns humans reaches Joakim Noah's mind.  We should consider ourselves lucky that he even deigned to acknowledge us, and attempt to parley in the verbiage of our people. It's a sign of respect, really, that he even tried, and then returned to direct communication with the home hivemind.

DON'T TRY TO FIGHT HIM, THOUGH. He's like Stitch, and has extra pairs of arms he sucks into his body to pass as one of us, and definitely not as an alien lifeform crafted specifically to exterminate the human race that got distracted by pizza and basketball along the way.

P.S. Cardale is clearly an alien, too, but from a totally different kind of planet. One a lot like Cleveland. Or maybe just, yanno: "Cleveland."