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THE MC DETAILS CARDALE JONES' ATTENTION TO DETAIL

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IT'S NOT A ME-FIRST PHONE, IT'S A DETAIL SHOWING TRUE ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS

Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

Cardale Jones, let us just spin this for you so the fascist NFL scouts of tomorrow don't beat you to it.

That's a me-first phone. Nonsense; in order to properly motivate my teammates AND watch film on my phone the instant I wake up, I require only the highest grade technology. For instance, you wouldn't short your team a new Cardale Jones, even though the price tag will be staggering, now would you? No? Didn't think so. Top shelf talent requires top shelf gear.

12 Gauge isn't gonna fly with sponsors. Oh, so you're against the Constitution? Or against using the right tool for the job? All you need to protect your house is a 12 gauge. Hell, put me on the field and the defense will run out as soon as I rack this snap count here. Accuracy and power: that's me, if you like those things.

Cursive's a weak font. Nonsense, cursive's the lacy expression of genuine character. The personal touch, evident on my phone, my tender personalized interactions with the President of the United States, and on my beautiful nine routes thrown with artisanal precision to my receivers. It's a signature, which is a detail, and one wrought in only the most exquisite of typography. Plus, it shows I'm in touch with my feminine side, and not afraid to be the emotional bedrock a team can lean on in times of trouble.

Oh my god did you match the Pantone for Buckeye Scarlet-- Oh, that's a detail I paid attention to? You bet it is. Just the thing thing you want in only the most artisanal of quarterbacks like myself, a luxury brand so exclusive it's only started three football games. I'm the world's only small-batch quarterback, and the vintage is priceless. 12 Gauge, 180 proof, and only comes in two barrels because when you get a taste, that's all you'll need.

My agent will be in touch with you, and he'll call me on my phone. The phone of a damn artist-genius-champion.

EDSBS provides free draft question defense advice to any college football player looking to hoodwink meathead NFL scouts into gigantic signing bonuses. Not that Cardale needs our help in anything in life at all, as evidenced above.