THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL UNVEILS THE MOST LUCRATIVE BOWL OF ALL TIME

You may be aware that FIFA woke up this morning to find the cops at the door, though they at least got a chance to put some pants on and grab a Chewy bar before they went down to the station. It is a challenging time for soccer's ruling elite, and you can understand if they choose to lay low and hope they don't get caught in the crosshairs.

OR! FIFA could embrace its bad-boy image right now and double down on the corruption opportunities by sponsoring a college football bowl. Imagine the country club graft of the Fiesta Bowl organizers combined with the inventive demands of soccer's bribery specialists. The FIFA Bowl moves wherever the money is greasiest - domestic, international, impossible and illegal to travel to from the United States, you name it. We'll host this shit in Barrow on December 30th if the briefcase is full enough.

And the location is just the beginning. Conference tie-ins? Up for sale. Broadcast rights? Step the fuck up, Weather Channel. Sideline beverages? Goodbye Gatorade, hello almond milk. The contents of the gift bags given to players? RONCO SHOWTIME ROTISSERIE OVENS FOR EVERYBODY, MOTHERFUCKER.

Now is not the time for fear, FIFA. If AdvoCare can do it, you sure as hell can, too.