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THE MC IS YOUR GUIDE TO ALTERNATIVE WAGERING

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PICK A WINNER HERE AND BILLY SIMS WILL FOLLOW YOU AROUND FOR A YEAR AND SHOUT.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

There's plenty of evidence to show that gambling on the Heisman Trophy is a graphically stupid thing to do. Some people may find it distasteful to place monetary wagers on amateur scholar-athlete-warrior-poets who play exclusively for the love of the game. Some people may just not like gambling for any variety of perfectly valid reason.

Me? I avoid gambling not because I don't like it. OH NO NO, I do. I just know that I like it a bit too much, and would like to make sure I can afford my bills every month instead of flushing that cash down the toilet on GOD DAMN IT OKLAHOMA YOU WERE GETTING 3.5 WHY DID I TRUST YOU AGAIN IT'S A NIGHT GAME ON THE ROAD I'M SO STUP----

Anyway.

This is America. It is your God given right to throw money at anything you want. However, until the Heisman Trophy wager tax credit makes its way through those bozos in Congress, let's try to find some candidates that would maximize your betting dollar. Or I don't know, play keno or something. I'm not your dad.

Tom Herman, Houston: Sure he's a coach, but how about you shut up and let the man cook.

Anthony Zettel, Penn State: "10-4 old buddies, dee-stroy, kill all hippies."

Jared Goff, Cal: He's going to throw 94 touchdowns on a team that might go like 6-6 or something. He's the tragic hero we need and deserve.

Alex Collins, Arkansas: Seems a bit unfair to allow a souped-up Army humvee play football, but I don't make the rules.

Any quarterback, Florida:

Terrel Hunt, Syracuse: Paying George Whitfield to chase him around with a broom all summer should pay immediate dividends.

LaQuan McGowan, Baylor: Actually, ignore everything I said before this.