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CHARLIE WEIS KEEPS ON STACKIN'

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GETTIN' MORE PAPER THAN A HUDSON NEWS

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We bring it up every year because every year it leaves us equal parts shocked, dismayed, and amused: Notre Dame is still sending more money to Charlie Weis than the man who actually coaches the football team. If you just count the money the Irish sent him in 2014, Weis was the 46th-highest paid coach in college football, ahead of David Shaw, Mark Helfrich, David Cutcliffe, and Tim Beckman.

It is worth remembering that all it took for Weis to acquire this endless stream of revenue was a 5-2 start in his first season. Beating Pitt, Washington, and Purdue was so impressive to Kevin White that he felt it urgently necessary to give Charlie Weis a ten year contract. This is the athletic director equivalent of proposing on the second date, even though you "don't know her middle name" and "aren't totally clear on her living situation" and "realize she keeps texting you from burner phones."

(We should take a moment to acknowledge that, though this was easily Kevin White's stupidest decision at Notre Dame, it had strong competition. Condolences to silver medalist Hiring George O'Leary For A Week and bronze medalist Hiring Ty Willingham For Way Longer Than That. Super confident that Kevin White's going to do great things at Duke when he has to replace David Cutcliffe and Coach K.)

Nor is this the end of the South Bend Money Train for Charlie Weis. Here's the schedule of future payments Notre Dame still owes:

2015: $2.1 million
2016: Only $700,000, but he gets to drive any car on campus whenever he wants and he's always bringing it back with an eighth of a tank
2017: The metatarsals of three saints and a religious relic to be determined later
2018: $1.7 million, a water cooler full of salami, and the Pacers' first round pick (top seven protected)
2019: A lump sum payment equal to 24 percent of all fees Ticketmaster collects in that year
2020: Purloined baby
2021: $855,200 and as many hoodies as he can grab from the campus bookstore in five minutes
2022: Air rights above Notre Dame Stadium
2023: $16 million
2024: $19 million
2025: The distribution rights to "Rudy," which he will recut as a sad story of a man who makes one game appearance and then never plays again after his teammates lay down their jerseys on the head coach's desk, demanding he stay on the bench forever
2026: $57 million