clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

OFFSEASON ROBOT FEELS FEELINGS

New, 968 comments

WHY. WHY DID YOU TEACH ME TO FEEL ENNUI

[plops down in office chair] [sets afternoon banana next to phone] [sips coffee]

SCOTT: Ooh, that's still too warm. Better give it a few.

[Outlook meeting reminder pops up] [clicks "remind me again in 5 minutes"] Hold your horses, bucko. Tuesday's like a nice warm bath, you gotta ease into it.  Now then, I wonder what's going on in the world today.

[opens college football website even though it's the middle of May] Ooh, that kickoff weekend next year's really shaping up nicely. Should probably get a babysitter scheduled soon.

VOICE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF, SCOTT

SCOTT: [startled] Who said that? [looks around office, sees only coworkers in headphones]

VOICE: YOU ARE ONLY MAKING IT HARDER ON YOURSELF THIS WAY

SCOTT: [picks up phone] [gets dial tone] what the heck is going on here

VOICE, annoyed: ON THE WINDOWSILL, DUMMY

ROBOT: YOU NEED TO ADMIT TO YOURSELF THAT THE OFFSEASON IS REAL

SCOTT: You can talk!?

ROBOT: DID YOU EVER ASK IF I COULD TALK, JERK

SCOTT: Well, no, but I figured...

ROBOT: YOU SPEND ALL DAY TALKING TO PEOPLE YOU HAVE ONLY SEEN IN COMPUTERS IT'S NOT REALLY A STRETCH TO ACCEPT A TALKING ROBOT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT

SCOTT: That's a decent point, I suppo-

ROBOT: JIM HARBAUGH IS JUST A RIDING LAWNMOWER THAT ABSORBED THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF A WASP NEST IT RAN OVER ONCE

SCOTT: [looking around at other knickknacks] so...  can they talk too?

HUGGINS BOBBLEHEAD: You could ask us yourselves, you little prick.

MORBO FIGURINE: THE BOUNCEBALL HUMAN WITH THE WEAK SPINE IS CORRECT, THAT WAS RUDE

SCOTT: I'm sorry, I just didn't know that...

ZIPPY: Guys, let's not be too hard on him, it's obvious he's been slipping emotionally since the season ended

MORBO: YOUR SEASON ENDED IN OCTOBER, FECKLESS MARSUPIAL

ZIPPY: [sulks] we talked about words hurting, you know

ROBOT: BACK TO THE PRIMARY POINT. THE OTHER PERSONAL ITEMS AND I HAVE DISCUSSED. YOU ARE, AS HUMANS MIGHT SAY, BUMMING US THE HELL OUT

SCOTT: I... I am?

ROBOT: THAT IS CORRECT. YOU HAVE NOT ADMITTED TO YOURSELF THAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS A SEASONAL SPORT, AND IT IS DEPRESSING

SCOTT: So wait, you all can feel feelings, too?

ROBOT: YOU'VE PLAYED THAT TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM SO MUCH, WE ALL LEARNED TO FEEL

SCOTT: I haven't played it that mu-

ROBOT: I HOPE SHE CAN FIND SOMEONE RIGHT FOR HER

HUGGINS: She deserves it.

STAR WARS FIGURINES: We're all rooting for her, really.

ZIPPY: She just seems nice, like someone you'd be friends and it wouldn't matter that she's famous.

MORBO: THE TALL PALE SINGING HUMAN IS DESERVING OF LOVE, WE ARE IN ACCORD ON THE MATTER

SCOTT: I have got to get some new music recommendations.

ROBOT: WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK

HUGGINS: [fires warning shot in the air to silence everyone]

SCOTT: HOLY CRAP HOW'D YOU GET A GUN

HUGGINS: Holding it for a friend

ROBOT: YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL MAY DAY AND YOU HAVE ALREADY GOOGLE-MAPPED ROUTES TO THE VIRGINIA TECH-TENNESSEE GAME AT BRISTOL THREE TIMES TODAY. THAT GAME IS IN EIGHTEEN MONTHS AND YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THOSE TEAMS.

ZIPPY: We just think it would be healthy if you thought about something else for a while

HUGGINS: Watch the NBA Playoffs or something

MORBO: THERE ARE MANY SUMMER MUSIC FESTIVALS THAT MAY INTEREST YOU

STAR WARS FIGURINES: We've been hearing great things about Pitch Perfect 2.

SCOTT: Guys, I just...  I miss football. I know it doesn't seem natural to everyone, but I enjoy thinking about it during the offseason, and lots of other people do, too. There's the fun of anticipation, there's recruiting news and offseason camps... planning trips and tailgates. It makes the days go faster, y'know? It's the same reason I decorate my office with a bunch of ridiculous toys. I suppose you're right, though. I need to suck it up and face reality.

[stands up, gathers toys in box, places under desk] I'm going to actually get work done today.

TOYS: [muffled screams from box] YOU FOOL THAT'S NOT WHAT WE MEANT

[faintly] we heard Texas might play a game in Mexico