ART FOR ART'S SAKE

SHARON: So where should we go for our big outing this month?

BILL: Bowling?

HANK: No, you know I can't with my back.

SHARON: The dinner theater's supposed to have a great show going right now.

HANK: I'd rather throw my back out.

KATHY [looking at local paper] Oh, here's a neat idea! A paint-n-sip just opened down at the strip mall.

BILL: A what?

KATHY: You know, one of those places where you go drink wine and paint paintings together! You've probably seen it on the Facebook. My niece did one for her bachelorette party last month.

SHARON: That sounds like fun! Let's do it!

[LATER, AT THE STRIP MALL]

ART BRILES: Alright, come on in, welcome to Briles' Bristles, a fun evening of painting and friendship and [trails off, walks away without finishing introduction]

BILL: Say, I don't mean to pry, but aren't you the football coach down at Baylor? What are you doing running a beverage-based adult art studio?

BRILES: [shrugs] Gotta have a summer job. I'm not gonna sit on my hands in the offseason like some Pac-12 layabout.

SHARON, looking at sign: I'm surprised you went with a pun based on your last name, it seems like "Art" was right there for the taking, you know?

BRILES: Look, lady, I don't come to where you work and tell you how to do your job.

SHARON: Actually, you did, just last week.

BRILES: Your pivot tables are a gotdang mess, Sharon. Someone had to say it.

HANK: So, um, should we get on with the class?

BRILES: [shrugs] It's your fifty bucks. There's a bucket of wine and a ladle in the corner. The painting we're going to do tonight is called "The Long Con".

SHARON: [gasps]

KATHY: Oh, my, that's... vivid.

BILL: Um, that's not really the vibe we were hoping for tonight, Coach Briles, do you think you have something a little...   lighter?

BRILES: Oh, you're suddenly an art critic, huh? Alright, fine, fine. [roots around in stack of loose paintings]

We'll do this one. I call it "The Stupid Big Mouth Who Gets Whatever He Wants"

SHARON: It seems like you have some unresolved anger issues you're working through, Mr. Briles.

BRILES: I'm not the damn issue here. I'm not the one who lost to a team that lost to Wake Forest.

HANK: They did look awfully impressive to end the season, Art, we all had to admit-

BRILES: FINE, NEXT PAINTING.

KATHY: Okay, well that's not even a painting, you've just taped Playoff Committee Member faces onto...  is that the Goya that went missing from The Prado last month? I saw a whole 60 Minutes thing on this -

BRILES: Those Spaniards can't play defense for shit. Just walked right out with it. Felt like playing Kansas.

BILL: Good seafood over there, though.

BRILES, glowering: If I want to bite the head off some slimy shrimp I'll schedule Alabama, smartass.

SHARON: Look, Mr. Briles, I think we can all agree this was a bad idea coming here tonight, can we just have our money back, or...

BRILES: Alright, I get it. You don't like my art. I think the previous franchise operator left some still lifes in the closet over there, maybe you can find something that won't piss me off.

KATHY: Oh, Mr. Briles, I think I found one here, how about this?

BRILES: [slams door on way out]