THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL SITS DOWN WITH YOUR FRESHMAN ROOMMATE

(puts on Jurassic 5)

Ok, but what is indisputable anyways? I think if we've proven anything over the course of history, it's that we can dispute anything. Just look at organized religion, man. Protestants and Catholics, Shia and Sunni - we're wired to dispute! So if that's the established standard, dude, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

(pauses Boondock Saints)

Besides, how can you be sure you KNOW the ball went off Justise Winslow? Because your eyes tell you it did? That's fine if you're an empiricist, I guess, But if you're going to embrace philosophical skepticism - and I'm not sure how you can consider yourself a thinker of any worth if you don't - then you know your senses, as real and solid as they may feel to you, don't establish a damn thing. They just don't.

(eats three servings of Easy Mac)

Focusing on who touched the ball last is a waste of time anyways. Why would you want to make yourself a prisoner to history? Once an event is in the past, isn't it like it never happened? It's like art. The beauty isn't in remembering that it exists, it's in the moment of experiencing it. Memory is the shackle capitalism uses to chain you to a lie.

(pulls on shorts that haven't been washed in a month)

Shit, I'm late for bowling class.