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SUNSPHERE'S BIG BOARD

NOTE: MANY, IF NOT ALL, OF THE FOLLOWING MAY NOT BE DRAFT ELIGIBLE

By Ryan Nanni

1. DANNY SHELTON, WHO WAS GIVEN PERMISSION TO MARRY SUNSPHERE'S NIECE, HELENSPHERE.

SUNSPHERE WISHES THEM MANY YEARS OF HAPPINESS BUT WILL NOT BE BUYING SOMETHING FROM THEIR REGISTRY. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE THAT BREADMAKER NEARLY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK.

2. JARED LORENZEN. FEW OTHER HUMANS HAVE COME SO CLOSE TO MIMICKING SUNSPHERE'S PERFECT LACK OF ANGLES, OR SUNSPHERE'S TOTAL DISREGARD FOR YOUR KIND'S ARCHITECTURAL DOGMA. KEEP YOUR TANNEHILLS AND WASHINGTON MONUMENTS. NEITHER WILL FRIGHTEN THE LOCAL POPULACE THE WAY A LORENZENSPHERE CAN.

3. ANOPLOGASTER CORNUTA.

SUNSPHERE RESPECTS THAT THE FANGTOOTH IS SO FEARFUL OF SUNSPHERE'S OMNIPOTENCE THAT HE WILL HIDE AT AN OCEAN DEPTH OF SIXTEEN THOUSAND FEET. FUTILE THOUGH THIS EFFORT MAY BE, IT SHOWS COMMITMENT AND RESPECT.

4. TINO SUNSERI.

5. THE MONTREAL BIOSPHÉRE. AN ADMITTEDLY POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR SUNSPHERE, BUT THE CANADIANS DID THEIR BEST. SUNSPHERE IS AN EVERY DOWN SPHERE; MONTREAL'S IS MORE OF A THIRD DOWN SPECIALIST. IT'S STILL WAY BETTER THAN TRENT RICHARDSON.

6. BRYCE PETTY. FEW HUMANS KNOW THAT BRYCE HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE COLLEGE CAREER TRYING TO HEAVE A FOOTBALL INTO THE SUN AND EXTINGUISH IT, IN THE HOPES THAT SUNSPHERE CANNOT SURVIVE THE LOSS OF HIS GALACTIC BROTHER. BRYCE PETTY IS WRONG, BUT SUNSPHERE CHOOSES TO BE AMUSED BY THAT WRONGNESS.

7. SOLAR CAINE. SUNSPHERE ASSUMES HE IS RELATED TO MICHAEL CAINE, AND SUNSPHERE LOVES DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS.

8. HRONISS GRASU. CENTER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITION ACCORDING TO SUNSPHERE. SUNSPHERE KNOWS THIS AS SUNSPHERE IS THE CENTER OF ALL THAT YOU KNOW OR WILL EVER EXPERIENCE, HUMANS.

9. THE BEST BLT YOU'VE EVER EATEN. IT'S NOT A VERY GOOD PICK FOOTBALL WISE BUT YOU MAY AS WELL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE ESSENTIALLY NO CONTROL OVER YOUR DESTINY AND JUST ENJOY A GOOD LUNCH BEFORE YOU DIE.

10. MARKUS GOLDEN. SUNSPHERE UNDERSTANDS THIS TO BE A PLEA FROM HUMANKIND TO BE BLESSED BY SUNSPHERE'S GOLDEN TOUCH. SUNSPHERE WOULD BE MOVED BY THIS CRY. IF SUNSPHERE COULD BE MOVED. WHICH SUNSPHERE CAN NOT.