UNBREAKABLE JOHN L. SMITH

COMING SOON TO NETFLIX

By ActionCookbook@actioncookbook Apr 3, 2015, 2:00pm EDT

NEWS ANCHOR VOICEOVER: A miracle today in Durango, Colorado, as a former Michigan State and Louisville head coach is rescued from Division II football obscurity, where he was allegedly forced by the actions of a self-proclaimed offensive genius, Coach Robert Pat Bobby Pet, also known as Fayetteville's worst carpool buddy...

JOHN L. SMITH, emerging into the daylight: It's all still here...

REPORTER: We're now joined by a neighbor who watched all the drama unfold.

Well, what had happened was...

[music starts]

Ten years we been coachin' here / never seen no John / never heard no John

His old boss did some freaky things... but reeeeetreads are strong as hell

UNBREAKABLE / he'll get hired dammit

Got his piss hot!

UNBREAKABLE / he'll get hired dammit

These retreads are strong as hell..

---

[flash-forward to the apartment John L. shares with struggling roommate Terry Abowdenson]

TERRY: What was it like in the bunker?

JOHN L: Oh, Bobby never let us in there, he only took graduate assistants down th-

TERRY: NEVERMIND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

[later, John L. is watching a rerun of this year's Orange Bowl]

JOHN L: Oh, I get it. Football's about butts now.

TERRY: Turn that off.

JOHN L: But I'm watching Mississquiggle State lose to-

TERRY: TURN IT OFF. That man is my nemesis.

JOHN L: Dan Mullen? He seems like a nice guy.

TERRY: No, HIM.

TERRY: Paul Johnson stole my career resurgence. I was supposed to coach at Georgia Tech. We were down to the final round of interviews in 2007. I was about to tell one of my trademarked folksy nonsensical anecdotes, and he runs in and screams "PIMP C OVERDOSED." Rude! And guess who got the job?

JOHN L: You?

THEIR CLUELESS LANDLORD, WHO IT HAS BEEN PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED IS MACK BROWN: A third party that wasn't in the story?

TERRY: No! That should've been my chance to get back into big-time football. And look at me, talented, dashing, transcending-

...and coaching on Tuesday nights in Northeast Ohio.

JOHN L: It isn't good to hold on to things like that. Life beats you up. You can either curl up in a ball and die, or you can stand up and say: we're retreads! You can't break us! Tomorrow we are going to put on our fanciest clothes, go down to the biggest sports agency, and do a series of leg and arm poses to project confidence.

[the next day]