SATELLITE CAMPS ARE ALREADY OLD NEWS

The satellite camp debate has entered a predictable phase: the conferences that don't like it because it weakens one of their natural advantages think there oughta be a law. The coaches debating the propriety of this arrangement are already falling behind, however. By the time the NCAA figures out a set of satellite camp rules that will make everyone equally unhappy, schools will have moved to the next recruiting tactic. What might those be?

SATELLITE CAMPUSES

As currently written, a school can't host a football camp more than 50 miles beyond its campus. (The satellite camps are technically hosted by other schools and "attended" by Jim Harbaugh or James Franklin or Randy Edsall, who is just here for the free flash drive.) Solution: start up a satellite campus wherever you feel like it. How does the University of Illinois - Los Angeles School of Burrito Studies sound? What about the University of Notre Dame at Key West? With the right planning, you can expand your footprint to hit any recruiting area you want. Hello, five-star from South Carolina! We're offering you a scholarship at Purdue's Myrtle Beach Drunk Putt-Putt Institute.

ACTUAL SATELLITES IN SPACE

The Southern schools will eventually push back on that idea, and UND-Key West will have to be shut down after Brian Kelly and Mike Leach ruin Fantasy Fest with a no-holds-barred bodypaint brawl. The NCAA will restrict programs to one campus location, but the rule will be written so poorly that it leaves a major loophole.

So maybe it does get cold in Ann Arbor, Mark Richt. You know what else is cold? SPACE AND PEOPLE FUCKING WANT TO GO THERE FROM THE TIME THEY ARE THREE YEARS OLD. The physical effects of space travel prevent Michigan or the other Big Ten schools from opening up permanent practice facilities off-planet, but this works just fine for a two-day thing to impress a high schooler. That's so awesome some Tennessee booster gave you two hundred bucks. We took you to space. But hey, two hundred bucks can get you three PS4 games!

INNERSPACE

Hello, Derek.

It's me. Your old friend, Coach Riley.

Don't be scared, Derek. This isn't a dream. I'm in your head.

Tell me, Derek. Do you like Nerf guns?