UNSOLICITED ADVICE FROM A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

Hey, how are you doing today? Find everything you need?

[coughs]

Oh, that? No, I was just starting to get sick the other day, but I'll tell you what my secret is: colloidal silver. A couple of years ago, I had this nasty bout of SARS, and the doctors said I was going to die. Well, that's just big pharma nonsense talking, if you ask me. My life coach turned me on to silver, and it cleared that SARS right up. Now any time I feel like I might be catching something, I just pop a few drops of silver in my morning kombucha and I'm right as rain.

Do you need bags, or did you bring your own?

Anyways, I think people just need to be active about their health. I mean, obviously, you've got to avoid orange foods. We all know that - ooh, these are good, have you had those before? I love them. Yeah, orange foods, avoid that. And cooked food. Can't drink your water out of plastic bottles. Or metal ones. Or glass. That's how I got the Spanish Flu last year, it slides right off the hard surfaces and into your system. [helpfully taps dried sheep's bladder canteen on hip] It's just not natural. Humans weren't designed that way, and we've just got to get back to a simpler way of living.

Hey, nice hat. So you're a Georgia fan, huh? Go Dawgs!

So as I was saying, exercise is actually really dangerous. Doctors are in the pocket of the athletic clothing companies, and they're not telling you the dangers of sweating - you're just letting valuable nutrients jump right out of your body! I got swept up in Tae-Bo just like everyone a few years ago, and I know that's why I ended up with the consumption. Sweated my immune system plum off. What you need to do, if you really must exercise, is you've gotta sit down right after and wait until the sweat soaks back in.

So I don't know if Brian Schottenheimer's the solution, to be honest.

Now, do you mind if I ask a personal question? [lowers voice] When you use the restroom, do you sit down? Because that's just the worst thing you can do for your health. See, the blood pools in your knees when you sit down, and it keeps all those nasty toxins from escaping your body. I'll write some really informative blog links down for you. [starts writing directly on banana] These sites really changed my life. [bags banana] It's the only reason I got over that gypsy curse a few years back.

[looks around conspiratorially] You know what else? [gestures for you to come closer]

[whispers] I think Richt just needs to run the damn ball.