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AN OHIO STATE FAN TAKES THE JEOPARDY ONLINE TEST

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FROM THE DISPLAY COMPUTER IN A COLUMBUS-AREA BEST BUY

Whoo, alright bruh, ya boy's been on a hot streak lately. CrossFit dropped their copyright infringement claim against me - we'll see who's "too pathetic to be seriously interpreted as a threat" when DossFit takes over the world, losers. Moved up to an apartment complex with a pool [cups hands, yells to no one in particular] THIS SUMMER IS GONNA BE LIT [flexes] and most important, THE mother-effin Ohio State Buckeyes are UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONS BITCHES [gestures to decal with that precise wording across front windshield of 2002 Civic parked in fire lane]. Ain't nothin' holdin' me back this year. That's why I'm gonna show these nerds what's up once I get on Jeopardy! and smoke they asses. Ya boy got knowledge. I even signed up to take some classes online this year, gonna transfer 'em in when they finally let me in main campus.

Alright, username... 12GAGEBrett88... password... Buckeyes 14-1... password must contain a special character? BITCH THE WHOLE TEAM SPECIAL CHARACTERS YOU WANT REGULAR CHARACTERS GO TO TSUN. Damn.

What? No I ain't need no help lookin back off me bruh this personal business right now. Damn.

Aight, logged in. Let's hit this shiz like Cardale and Eazy E on Wisconsin, DAILY DOUBLE STYLE, WOO. [slaps display counter] [the screensavers on all the other display computers deactivate]

Question 1: This Upton Sinclair book was instrumental in the passage of the Pure Food & Drug Act

Man, I know all about Pure Food & Drug, that's all I've been doing since I went paleo. Rock out my patented Power Shake every morning before I do Insanity, you just throw some lean ground turkey in the Ninja with some pre-workout and hit "pure" and- [time up buzzer] damn, computer, you gotta let a playa tell a story here. I see how you workin', though, we good, we good -

Question 2: Over a mile deep and 25 million years old, it's the deepest & oldest lake on Earth.

What is Mirror Lake? [incorrect buzz] Yeah, I know, but it's the dopest f'ing lake on Earth. Saw some boobs there last year. [holds fist up for bump] [there is no one nearby] For real.

Question 3: Three-word Latin phrase for the high honors granted on graduation.

Oh, snap, I know this one, what is "no lo contenders" [incorrect buzz] Man, that public defender was full of shit, no wonder I gotta wear this damn thing on my leg.

Question 4: Plural title of Joyce Kilmer's work that admits "Poems are made by fools like me"

Probably those wangs up at M*ch*gan, those losers love poems n' shit...  what is "Wolverines" [incorrect buzz] [correct answer is "Trees"] Aw, damn, I didn't know you liked to party, Joyce, hit ya boy up sometime, I'll get some tree from my boy Pockets, we'll have a good time, girl...

Question 5: TV Theme Songs: "It's Where Everybody Knows Your Name"

Well the bouncers got my picture up at the Varsity Club, but shit was never as fun as Four Kegs anyways if you ask me, buncha stuck-up [time up buzzer] stuck-up COMPUTERS, too, I GUESS.

Question 6: Object in which you'd brew your Oolong

Man, I ain't front, ya boy's had enough to drink, I'll brew my oolong in just about anythi- NO I AIN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SERVICE PLANS, I TOLD YOU STEP BACK OFF MY NUTS [time up buzzer] Man, see what y'all did? Messin' up a future Jeopardy champ here. Gonna be the next Peter Jennings and shit if y'all just let me work.

Question 7: Formed from cooling lava, it's the most abundant type of volcanic rock.

Yo, what is MY MAN MISTER TWELVE GAUGE CARDALE SOLID AS A MOTHER F'IN ROCK JONES.

[long pause]

[correct buzz]

Ay, you okay after all, Robot Trebek.