MICHIGAN GOES TO ATL, HAS QUESTIONS

Welcome to Atlanta Heard this is where the players play.. Have you evaled lately @jermainedupri ? #GoBlue

— Jay Harbaugh (@JayHarbaugh) April 16, 2015

HELLO ATLANTA, GEORGIA. WE ARE THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN WOLVERINES. WE HAVE COME TO ASSESS YOUR POTENTIAL SCHOLARSHIP ATHLETES AND TO POTENTIALLY STEAL A GRADUATE TRANSFER WIDE RECEIVER WHO WILL NOW RECEIVE A GRADUATE DEGREE IN "JAZZ HISTORY AND PERSPECTIVES." WE HAVE A SERIES OF QUESTIONS BEFORE WE BEGIN OUR EXAMINATION OF YOUR CITY:

* WHICH PARKA SHOULD WE BRING? WE'VE GOT A FANCY LITTLE NUMBER WE'VE BEEN WAITING TO BUST OUT FOR JUST THE RIGHT OCCASION. PICTURE IT: "A VISION IN CORDUROY."

* IT IS CURRENTLY 5:15 AM. WE HAVE ALREADY ARISEN WITH AN ENTHUSIASM UNKNOWN TO MANKIND, BUT I NOTE THAT ATLANTA PROPER APPEARS TO STILL BE ASLEEP WITH UNDETERMINED LEVELS OF ENTHUSIASM. I'VE PREPARED A 45-MINUTE TRIBUTE TO JOHN PHILLIP SOUSA TO PLAY AT AROUND 200 DECIBELS FROM THE ROOF OF THE BANK OF AMERICA PLAZA. PLEASE ADVISE.

* WE ARE CURRENTLY ONLY CONSUMING A BLEND OF 95% WHEY PROTEIN AND TITANIUM-CUT OATS DIRECTLY INJECTED INTO OUR SMALL INTESTINE. WILL THIS BE A PROBLEM FOR OUR HOTEL?

*  GEORGIA TECH PURPORTS TO BE A "RAMBLING WRECK." AS REPRESENTATIVES OF THE STATE MOST CLOSELY TIED WITH AMERICA'S AUTO INDUSTRY, WE ARE CONCERNED AND PREPARED TO TAKE ACTION. PLEASE LET US KNOW WHERE YOUR CLOSEST LARGE SCALE ASSEMBLY LINE IS LOCATED SO THAT WE MAY BEGIN FIXING THIS "WRECK."

* WE REGRET TO INFORM MONEY MAKIN' NIQUE THAT DUE TO NCAA BYLAWS, WE WILL BE UNABLE TO RECRUIT HIM AT NICKEL. HOWEVER, IF HE IS "RENT(ING) MONEY" RATHER THAN MAKING IT, WE MAY BE ABLE TO WORK IT OUT.

* IS THERE SUCH THING AS QUICKLY COOKED BARBECUE? WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO MAINTAIN TEMPO AT ALL TIMES. FOR EXAMPLE, WE'VE GOTTEN GREG MATTISON'S BOWEL MOVEMENTS DOWN TO A NIFTY 3 MINUTES 45 SECONDS PER POOP. COACH MATTISON WASN'T THRILLED, BUT RECOGNIZED THAT PROCESS MATTERS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY. WE HAVE RESPONDED IN KIND BY MAKING ALL OF THE BEDS LOCATED IN THE TRICOUNTRY AREA WITH HOSPITAL CORNERS BECAUSE BOX PLEATS ARE FOR GODDAMN COMMUNISTS.

YOURS,

THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN WOLVERINES

GO BLUE