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Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

YOU CAN CALL A PLAY FOR NOTRE DAME. It only makes sense to let literally anyone call a play for the Fighting Irish, as Notre Dame has hired Charlie Weis, Ty Willingham, and Bob Davie to coach their football teams and paid them real American currency to do so. So maybe it's not really a compliment to you that they're soliciting your help here, so thanks for the subtle insult, you bastards. Here's a drawing of Everett Golson turning the ball over four times on a single play. It's already in your playbook, but a classic never goes out of style.

(P.S. Did you see that Notre Dame beat LSU in a bowl game last year? They'll mention this, and they should, if only to remind you that Les Miles is capable of so much atrocity in the midst of inexplicable success, because jesus christ Les what the hell were you doing.)

If we were to submit a play, this would be it, because it is the finest trick play we've seen in the last two decades. It's better than you deserve, yes, but you want a sincere answer, and we'll give you one: Fresno state's lineman-eligible and completely legal hook-and-ladder play.

Let a big man show them hands, Notre Dame. Allow him to take those big taillights far over the horizon. Saddle up that bison and drift it into a parking space in front of the saloon like a WRX on a dirt track.