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WELL, SHOOT, I'M LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM

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A GUEST COLUMN BY PAUL RHOADS

Networx

We've been busy lately, so we turned over the reins today to Iowa State head football coach Paul Rhoads, for an in-depth look at his team's offseason preparations.

Well, goshdangit, Paul, looks like you've got yourself in a heck of a pickle now. Now, I know it ain't right to be usin' the facilities on company time and all, but sometimes just tain't nothin' you can do about it! I thought I'd just sneak away for a second here, get right back to plannin' out the season, but the dangblasted doorknob came off right in my hand!

[raps politely on door] Anyone out there?

Gow-lee, won't Vickie have a laugh at me for this one. She's always sayin' "god love ya, Paul, you'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on!". Goes back since we first got married, well, we took our honeymoon out in Hawaii, you know, and I thought it'd be downright romantic if I collected her some pretty seashells to remember the trip by, so I waded out into the surf to get some. And [chuckling] well darned if a riptide didn't sweep me out to sea! I grabbed onto some driftwood and made it to a deserted island where I ended up living for the next four years. Only thing that kept me sane was the volleyball I anthropomorphized as a friend. Tom Hanks made a movie about it, they told me. Went to see it, but I think they took too many liberties, 'cause I don't ever remember investigatin' a murder in the Louvre.

[rattles doorknob again] Wally, you in today?

Well, gotta figure someone'll be by soon. Maybe I can get some work done while I'm in here.

[pulls out playbook]

[immediately drops playbook in toilet]

Well, nerts. Had some important papers in there. Coach Mangino said he'd come up with some new plays that'd change our style this year.

[pulls sodden papers out]

Well, the ink's running pretty bad, but I maybe I can make out a little bit of this, "CAT_H TH_ __KING BALL OR I'LL _I_L YOU __RTHLESS P_ECES O_ GARB__E".  Hmm. Nah, can't made hide nor hair of that. Never was too good at followin' along with Wheel, either, but I do enjoy the lights and sounds and such.

Gosh, it's gettin' kinda late, if I don't get out of here soon I might be here all night.

[cups hands against door] Hellllooooo? Blaney?

[claps hands] well heck, I've got it, I'll set up one of those Twitters, put out a call for help there a- [drops phone in toilet]

Crud.

Postscript: Coach Rhoads remained trapped in the athletic facility men's room for the entirety of the 2015 season. His absence was not noticed, and the Cyclones went 9-4. Offensive coordinator Mark Mangino leveraged the positive season into the head coaching job at Iowa, following Kirk Ferentz's surprise retirement.