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THE BIG XII IS EXPANDING

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YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

[on the campus of the University of Cincinnati]

GARY PATTERSON: This is where Bowlsby's letter said to go for the big expansion announcement. It's awfully quiet, though.

MIKE GUNDY: There's media nearby. I can smell them. Vultures.

CHARLIE STRONG: We're probably just early.

ART BRILES: I can't believe Bowlsby made us come here. Nothing good's ever come out of Ohio, if you ask me. Buncha playoff-thievin' good-for-nothin' goons in this state, if you ask me.

GUNDY: No one ever asks you, Art.

BRILES: What's Cincinnati got to offer the Big 12 anyways?

WELL-INFORMED, ATTRACTIVE PASSERBY WALKING A CORGI: I couldn't help but overhear, gentlemen, and I'd be happy to share some details. The Cincinnati Bearcats are just one of five teams nationally to reach both a football bowl game and the NCAA men's basketball tournament in each of the last four years. This year, historic Nippert Stadium - one of the oldest venues in college football - will re-open after a year of stunning renovations and expansions. Add to that the growing academic profile, including world-renowned performing arts and design schools, and some have taken to calling Cincinnati the "Hottest College in Amer-"

STRONG, angrily brandishing a bowl of Skyline Chili: SON, WHAT IN THE SAM HELL IS THIS FOUL-SMELLING GARBAGE?

THE DASHING STRANGER, WHO IS PROBABLY A TERRIFIC WRITER TO BOOT: Of course, some outsiders find it off-putting, but it's a cherished local idiosyncrasy...

STRONG: SON, YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO BE IN A MAJOR CONFERENCE WHEN YOU'RE GRINDING UP CANDY BARS ON PASTA AND CALLING IT CHILI? YOUR ASS WOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL FOR THAT IN TEXAS. EVEN THAT PRETTY BOY OVER AT TECH WOULDN'T LET THIS CRAP FLY.

KLIFF KINGSBURY, WHO YOU HADN'T EVEN NOTICED STANDING THERE BECAUSE OF THE MORE-ATTRACTIVE STRANGER'S PRESENCE: He's right, you know.

STRANGER, MAINTAINING A SMOLDERING, CLASSIC APLOMB: Look, I don't think it's entirely fair to write us off just because our daft locals like terrible food. I mean, it's not like the conference doesn't already have some missteps in this vein. Kansas's best attempt to have a state food is usually a casserole.

PATTERSON: Alright, I'm tired of arguing with this anonymous proxy, as statuesque and charming as he is. Where are the rest of the coaches, anyways? I'm calling Stoops. [gets on phone] Stoops? Where the hell are you? We're waiting for you in Cincinnati!

STOOPS, on phone: Cincinnati? Snyder and Rhoads and I are in Boise waiting for you!

PATTERSON: Something's fishy. [receives text] Ah, what the hell, the Kansas guy's in Hartford now? What on earth is going on he- [receives Snapchat notification] but I don't even have that app installed on my phone...