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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL GETS INTO THE BOOKS

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CAN UAB BE SAVED? ONLY IF ISAIAH FINDS ETERNAL REST

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Because nothing about the demise of UAB athletics happens normally, the task force in charge of determining if Blazer football has a future announced late Saturday night that it selected a financial firm to produce a new feasibility report. Even working quickly, the firm won't be ready with its final report for a matter of weeks. But, in our usual pinnacle-of-investigative-journalism fashion, we've got our hands on some of their initial findings and requests.

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To whom it may concern,

Our group is honored to have been selected for this important task. The future of UAB as an academic and athletic institution is something we do not take lightly, and we intend to provide you with a full and accurate projection of the feasibility of an FBS football program as soon as possible. To that end, however, our initial review of the documentation you provided has raised a handful of follow-up questions.

- The attachment labeled "Travel Costs" erroneously contained a 35 page screenplay in which Mike Shula is brutally tortured in the Garden Center of a Home Depot after hours. Please supply the correct file as soon as possible.

- Also, "ball sack" is two words.

- Item 17 on your 2014 fiscal overview indicates that $375,000 was earmarked for "alumni networking breakfasts at Cracker Barrel," but the receipts attached include tips up to $45,000 per visit and the server listed is "Brodie C." Please clarify this irregularity.

- The renovation plan for Legion Field includes $107,000 for "haint removal." We assume this is a typo, though the subsequent references to "Isaiah, the undead antebellum horse god who comes to me in the night demanding the blood of a Vermonter" make this unclear.

- Everything seems to be in order with your Projected Equipment Expenses, but the back of the sheet contains a list of addresses (partially crossed out) with "THE TREASURE OF FINEBAUM'S TOMB???" written at the top in honey mustard.

- The cover page appears to be a photocopied Alabama Crimson Tide season ticket order form, pre-filled with our information. Again, we have to ask that you return the credit card you took from us and confirm that you did not submit this order.