SO YOU WANT TO FOLLOW BIG TEN BASKETBALL, EH?

You sure about that?

You sure you really want to follow Big Ten basketball?

You know that this isn't...enjoyable, right?

Like, we're not having any fun at all.

None.

I mean it.

Our teams are dumb. All college basketball teams are dumb. Kentucky is 30-0 and will still likely lose in the Elite 8 because someone got called for an over-and-back in the final 15 seconds. College basketball itself is currently being dumb. The games take three days and every in-bounds pass requires a review that lasts longer than the Warren Commission.

Good teams play badly. Bad teams lose to NJIT. Have you heard of NJIT? You have not. Good.

The Big Ten has prided itself on being America's most competitive basketball conference, which may or may not mean "when Big Ten teams play other Big Ten teams, someone gets whacked in the head with a shovel." Whacking one another in the head with a shovel is not "competitive," but it is the Big Ten, and that's just how we do it.

You should not watch Big Ten basketball. You should go find something else to do. It's almost spring. You could clean something! Or pet a dog. Or find a new hobby, like huffing glue. I've heard that's pretty fun.

But if you are going to watch Big Ten basketball this tourney season, here are your choices:

WISCONSIN

If you are looking for a fun party spot, you do not go somewhere that advertises itself as a "fun party spot", because it is not. If you are looking to have sex with tons of hot humans, you do not use a website that advertises itself as a great place to have sex with tons of hot humans, because it is not. If you are looking to extract a few measly morsels of joy out of your basketball viewing experience, you do not watch Wisconsin play basketball, because it is not fun. Do you want to see a basketball game with a combined score of 110? Then you want to watch Wisconsin basketball, because clearly something has gone horribly wrong for you in your past.

MARYLAND

1.) Their student section did this. I am a fan.

2.) Melo Trimble is freaking awesome, and I'm really disappointed that no one has used "TRIMBLE MAKES 'EM TREMBLE" in a headline. I'm also really disappointed that "Fraggle Rock" got cancelled. I'm frequently disappointed.

3.) Maryland is going to lose in the NCAA tournament in a game that will shatter the bounds of propriety. Mark Turgeon will explode into a thousand pieces. There will be riots.

OHIO STATE

Aaron Craft finally graduated. Now Ohio State has a freshman named D'Angelo who has some of the prettiest passes in the game. That is good for Ohio State.

That is all I have to say about Ohio State.

MICHIGAN STATE

This season has created a new phenomenon called "I don't think Tom Izzo likes anyone on this team very much at all." This became most notable following Michigan State's home loss to Texas Southern, in which it appeared as if Izzo would drive Travis Trice to the Indiana border and leave him there. At this point, if Michigan State loses in the early rounds of the tournament, they'd better get themselves a ride home because Izzo's only got room for two in his RAV-4, and he's getting groceries on the way home, so there's not much space, so...

INDIANA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.

IOWA

Winners of five straight games, Iowa is trying to not do that "swoon into a death spiral" thing they did last year, where they flailed for about a month and a half before being taken out back and shot by Tennessee in the First Four. Perhaps the palest team to play relatively competent basketball. Not white. Pale. Translucent.

PURDUE

Purdue is third in the Big Ten standings, and could make the NCAA tournament for the first time in three years. No, Robbie Hummel isn't there anymore. Yes, I checked.

Do not watch Big Ten basketball. Please.