SPENCER HALL: College football is not happening, Ryan. Do we like this?
RYAN NANNI: Honestly? No. Lots of other fun sports things are happening - the playoff push in the NBA, March Madness, probably some sailboat murder contest in the Maldives - but those are all things I have to spend time relearning on some level. They're like hanging out with your friend's new significant other. It can be totally nice, but it's not the same as spending time with someone who has a shared history with you.
SH: I'm still okay with it. College football in March turns into that period where everyone's in the studio and no one's leaking tracks. And all we have to write about are a.) injuries that will probably be healed by fall, b.) how everyone's getting in the shape of their lives, or c.) wow Jim McElwain really does not like to wear socks at all.
RN: That's how you keep your shoes from getting stolen. Stankify 'em good.
But, man, it's been SO slow lately. I'm supposed to get excited about Colorado and TCU scheduling a series in 2022-2023? Gary Patterson will be coaching the L.A. Dolphins and Colorado will be a fully-owned subsidiary of Diageo. Colorado: The Vodka That Won't Give You Night Sweats.
SH: I always start to wonder with schedule announcements which coach I think will be dead by then will actually still be alive, and thriving. It'll probably be Schnellenberger, and he'll probably be on this second Super Bowl ring with the London Jags.
RN: I just want something to happen. Give me John L. Smith suddenly getting a assistant head coach position at Stanford. Toss me a rumor that Joey Bosa's transferring to Michigan because he wants to play quarterback. Hell, we got a new Playoff Committee member today and that wasn't even interesting. "Bobby Johnson News" has all the excitement of a church bulletin advertisement.
SH: I could use a good blowup, too. Like something blowed up real good kind of story, i.e. a Petrino-ing at Arkansas. Some redneck hijinks on the high Ozarks, or a bear-baiting operation at Miami. Miami, if you were really serious about greatness you'd have a bear-baiting scandal. Get on that, Miami. (P.S. No Al Golden wrestling all takers in a gorilla costume. He needs that for his job standing on the side of A1A holding up a tax service sign!) #HUSTLE
This time of year blows because it's not even really quiet enough to get archival, or nostalgic, or break down old games because there are a thousand little things occurring everywhere. The NBA playoffs are coming, the Final Four is unwinding, and the Masters bring the Georgia football program to a screeching halt. It's being peppered with just enough somethings to get absolutely nothing done.
P.S. This sounds a lot like playing Georgia Tech as a defense. I'd really like to tackle the B-back, and shit there goes the QB
RN: This is my proposal: use this time to settle the hot seat questions. I don't want to wait halfway through the season to see if Paul Rhoads and Mike London will approach bowl eligibility and then wait for two months while their athletic directors make non-committal statements. I want Iowa State to play Virginia on Holy Saturday, and the loser gets fired immediately thereafter.
SH: Or: this is where we have our transfer window, and without penalty teams may exchange coaches they will likely fire after the season anyway. Eating it for a year because the buyout comes down in October? Cool, just let Indiana and Purdue switch head coaches for a year. Not that anyone would notice this, but it's an idea, is what I'm saying.
RN: At the very least, the NCAA could do us a favor and start floating some absurd rules changes. Did you hear the committee's thinking about using a ball filled with grape jelly on extra points now to encourage more two point attempts? What about the proposal to give each team a get out of jail free card that lets them undo one turnover per game? Please read my column about the perils of the NCAA planning to require one assistant coach to be on horseback at all times.
SH: We can't even be mad about minutiae, and being enraged over minutiae is like, at least two weeks' worth of discussion in March.
RN: Oh God. We're mad that we have nothing to be mad about. We're Notre Dame fans during a good season.
SH: This is the worst thing you've ever said about us.
RN: I hereby tender my resignation.
SH: You can't resign. This is like Virginia Tech's coaching staff, you only leave when Frank says you can leave the Moonshine Mob's loving arms. Note: you can never leave the Moonshine Mob's loving arms until Bud Foster finishes tunneling under than federal bank. It ain't stealing if it was yours to begin with, so hold this blasting cap and try not to jiggle it too much.
RN: And now you've compared me to Scot Loeffler. Let's just go home.
SH: AND YOU STAY IN THAT MINE, SCOT.