clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL REVIEWS WILDCAT INK

New, 1030 comments

FACE TATTOOS: TELL THE WORLD YOU'RE A FOOL!

Normally, I'd say that getting a tattoo is a private decision that you don't have to justify to anyone. If you choose to get something inked on your person because it has special meaning, then I'm happy that you're happy. But this is not a normal situation, and we are thereby forced to rate each one of these tattoos as Bad Decisions on a scale of 1 to 10. (The tattoos on the top of the forearms are ignored because we only have so much time.)

1. Not entirely sure what this is - it looks like a bird's wing (or possibly an angel's) and the letters "NE." That makes it hard to figure out how bad of a decision this tattoo is. Does the full text say "EQUINE?" "ROMAINE?" "ISOBUTANE?" Let's assume it says "ISOBUTANE" because this guy is in the refrigeration business and he takes his job with the utmost seriousness. Bad Decision Rating: 3/10.

2. Pretty sure this reads "Matthew 5-8," which is the reference for the following scripture:

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

That's one of the Beatitudes, which encourage us to be merciful, peaceful, and meek. Sir, there is nothing meek about your look. You don't get to just cherry-pick the Beatitudes that suit you best. It clearly says "NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL RESALE" right on the packaging. Bad Decision Rating: 7/10.

3. Hand tattoo's a really strong choice, because that's a tattoo you'll see all the time - typing, cooking, washing your car. And it'll never look right to you. It's always upside down K and upside down U, which probably means you occasionally panic and think you've been rooting for Kansas this whole time on accident. On the plus side, few people will ever ask you to hold their baby, if that's a thing you want to avoid. Bad Decision Rating: 6/10.

4. Somehow, the "WILD CATS" knuckle ink is the least surprising thing about this man. Like, it'd look wrong if he didn't have those. Bad Decision Rating: 2/10.

5. Another reference to scripture, which looks to be Romans 10-9:

If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Ah, I see what you've done here. You've found the Biblical citation that gives you the easiest possible path to Heaven. No charity, no poverty, no other acts of devotion. Just shout and believe. It's the Super Mario 3 Warp Whistle of the Abrahamic faiths. Well played. Bad Decision Rating: 0/10.

6. If I had to bet, I'm guessing this was one of the first tattoos this gentleman acquired. It's simple, easily concealable, and is one of the few to use Kentucky's actual logo. This was the gateway tattoo, the wade into the shallow end of the pool that eventually led to the belly flop off the high dive that we'll see in the next two choices. Bad Decision Rating: 1/10.

7. Annnnnd we've got our first face tattoos. The one one the left definitely says "C-A-T-S." The one on the right? I honestly have no idea. This man has ruined so many family photos. THIS SEARS PORTRAIT STUDIO SESSION MAY HAVE BEEN PURCHASED WITH A GROUPON BUT IT STILL MATTERS TO MEEMA AND GRANDDAD. Bad Decision Rating: 9/10.

8. But somehow those are the better face tattoos this man selected. Why on Earth would you go with a sideways U and K? Do you only want people to see these when you fall asleep on the couch? Is the idea here if you're found dead in a ditch, the medical examiner can roll you onto your side to check for signs of trauma and say "oh, cool, he was a Cats fan!" I can't believe that a tattoo artist agreed to this. He or she should be jailed. Bad Decision Rating: 17/10.

We should also note that this man almost certainly has tattoos which aren't at all visible in this photograph, and you should not imagine what they might be. Do not let your mind consider that he has "Rajon Ron-dick" written in flowing script tattooed just below his waist.