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DEAR SHREVEPORT, OUR OFFER OF NOTHING STANDS FIRM

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THE PRICE IS FINALLY RIGHT. IT'S TIME TO SPONSOR A BOWL GAME.

The Independence Bowl remains the greatest of our December 27th bowls, and yet somehow does not have a sponsor on this, March 26th of 2015.  This is a minor travesty because the Independence Bowl has brought us the joy of playing football in a Louisiana snowstorm, Nick Saban's greatest bowl victory ever, and the legendary revelation of the Inside Trout, Shreveport's deadliest native fish. It's brought us greatness, and deserves it in return.

A clarification: we're not saying the Independence Bowl deserves money, exactly. A gentleman's currencies should rise above trifling specie or exchange tender; no, what the Independence Bowl has is our respect, something whose value in actual currency can't begin to be calculated. Besides, the Independence Bowl gave away their naming rights last year to Duck Commander for...well, for nothing, hoping they'd recoup the money in additional sponsors glomming onto the Duck Commander name.

Nothing is a tough price to beat, but EDSBS can try. We'll cast our Nth unsuccessful bid to sponsor a bowl game by finally pitching a bowl we know is in our price range, and doing it with the kind of honesty the best business relationships all begin with before finishing in a storm of lawsuits and stolen money. (You think Shreveport civil proceedings will be easy, and then the judge orders the bailiff to bring out a cage full of rabid possums he calls The Jury.)

1. We will give you no money. None. Zero.

2. In return, you will name your bowl game The EDSBS Independence Bowl. Brand synergies will include "likes football," and "is run on the knife's edge between incompetence and near-profitability." We don't need to see paperwork on that "Near-profitability." You don't have it, and neither do we. (See? Ideal partners.)

3. Point: We will provide no support whatsoever, and do no work at all towards making the bowl game a big event. We will attend no meetings; we will dial into zero conference calls. We will not answer emails. Holy shit, will we do whatever the opposite of answering emails is. We will take the nearest chain email discussion and throw it in the nearest orphan-stuffed well. We will find the person who emailed us and we will murder them but before we murder them we'll turn off most of the lights in their house and dress them up like they're in a 1990s true crime show and have someone hold a sign reading the date and location of their house so that they think oh man, what if 'm about to be murdered in a 1990s true crime show? We will not participate in group texts and will throw a phone with a group text into our oven and turn on the broiler. Our relationship begins with "Yes, we will be the sponsor," and ends with "That was fun, and no, I'm sorry to hear your PR person was found dead in their home. The 1990s True Crime Placard Killer? Never heard of him. Or her. I mean: them. "

4. Point: not doing anything as your title sponsor will turn out to be a good thing. Most sponsors hit you up for dozens, if not hundreds, of game tickets, cutting into your revenue stream. But we can promise you something guaranteed to head off any possible intrusions: we won't even show up for the game. If we somehow do, we will tailgate outside the stadium and watch old episodes of Knight Rider on a TV we brought.

5. Point: We will not shoot an awkward sponsor commercial. We are going to need a commercial, yes, but it's just going to be two mountain rams headbutting while TLC's "Creep" plays. We will need you to license "Creep." This should be cheap, because TLC has no money.

Please consider our offer.

Sincerely,

The EDSBS staff