The snow's finally thawing, winter coats and sweaters are getting put away, and if you're like me, you're getting the first hard, honest look you've had at your shitty, atrophied garbage heap of a body since mid-September. Sobering, ain't it?
Time was, if you wanted to get in shape, you'd join the fanciest, cleanest gym with the newest machines and brightest TV screens. You fool. The hot trend these days is to find yourself a questionably-medically-advisable, semi-cultish workout group run out of an abandoned cannery. "But hey," you say, "I want something that meets my specific needs as a college football fan!" Your run-of-the-mill CrossFit isn't going to cut it here.
Well, the intrepid fitness gurus here at Every Day Should Be Saturday are here to help.
Introducing EDSBSfit: the workout plan guaranteed to get you in shape by kickoff.
(We make no guarantee of *what* shape.)
Follow along with these helpful diagrams!
- Sit stoically
- wait for this crap to be cleaned up around you
- contemplate how you came to this place; imagine the person who introduced you to it
- punch them
HOLD 5:00 "LSU HAS THE BALL IN A LATE PASSING SITUATION" POSE
20x THIS TEAM IS KILLING ME / BUT I'VE GOT SPIRIT YES I DO I'VE GOT SPIRIT HOW BOUT YOU
5x OH COACH SAYS THE DEFENSE SHOWED UP THIS SPRING IN THE BEST SHAPE OF THEIR LIVES, DID HE, WELL CERTAINLY THIS WILL PAY OFF IN THE WON-LOSS RECORD
HOLD 3:00 "THIS GUY ON TWITTER SAW SOMETHING ON THE ALL-22, LET'S ALL LISTEN TO HIM" POSE
10x YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES, WILL MUSCHAMP (but yay you beat Georgia yaaay)S
5x LOOK, THE AMERICAN CONFERENCE GAME OF THE WEEK IS ON AAAAAAAAND
30x WELL SURELY THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT OF THIS OLE MISS FANDOM
HEY THIS DOOR IS LOCKED
HEY THE ROOM IS FLOODING
CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME
15x OH LOOK SOME OPPOSING FANS WANT TO PROJECT THINGS THAT HAPPENED SEVEN YEARS AGO AT FLORIDA ONTO URBAN MEYER'S CURRENT OHIO STATE ROSTER, COOL
HOLD 3.5 MONTHS "IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF KANSAS FOOTBALL" POSE
25x WE ARE A BASKETBALL SCHOOL
PEOPLE CARE ABOUT BASKETBALL
HARTFORD COULD BE IN THE BIG XII FOOTPRINT IF YOU'D JUST BELIEVE IT COULD
10x I HAVE A CHOICE OF WATCHING PURDUE PLAY FOOTBALL OR MOVING THESE LIVE ELECTRICAL WIRES
5x WAKE FOREST IS GOING TO KICK A GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL
NOPE THEY MISSED IT
HOLD 3.5 HOURS "FLORIDA STATE ROSE BOWL OFFENSE" POSE
So, just ignore those recurring debits out of your account, try to make it in once or twice a month, and I'm sure you'll be feeling better than ever soon! What's that you say? You've got energy for one more? Well, okay:
BONUS EXERCISE: FROM OUR "BEST OF 2013" COLLECTION