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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL REACHES OUT TO YOUNG PEOPLE

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THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE CALLING RIPE HUMANS THESE DAYS, CORRECT?

[inside the University of Alabama football facilities]

NICK SABAN: Boy, I tell you, I am starting to feel old. I turned on the radio the other day, and I couldn't tell what anything was.

BILL BATTLE: We're not young anymore, Nick. It's a different generation, with their iPhones and iCarly and iSis.  And what's all this fuss about "Molly?" The hell kind of name is that for a candy? Tastes like crap, too, if you ask me.

SABAN: This explains a lot about the athletic department Christmas party.

BATTLE: Don't pretend you didn't have fun.

SABAN: My point is, Bill, we're trying to reach out to 16-, 17-, 18-year old kids to build a program, and I can't even relate to them anymore. Time was, I was a cool young guy myself, hip to the latest fashions and tunes-

SABAN, continued: - but now I just don't know what to talk to them about! Some of the other coaches in our conference are more than two decades younger than me, and they're going to start to have a recruiting advantage if I don't know what's "now".

BATTLE: Yeah, well isn't that why we hired Monte's kid? Thought that was the whole point.

SABAN: His ideas for connecting with teenagers weren't...totally effective.

BATTLE: Huh, I didn't know CNN's medical expert used to do movies.

SABAN: Have one of the graduate assistants pull some things together for me to study. I need to know what the kids are listening to these days.

[later, Nick peruses a pile of CDs that have been procured for his review]

SABAN: Let's see now...Run The Jewels. Sounds like an NCAA violation. Best to be safe and skip that one.

"Views From The 6" [presses intercom button] Peggy, find out if Sims is making albums instead of practicing.

Kendrick Lamar? If I wanted to try to sell recruits with Lamar, I'd go coach at Baylor.

[gets to Iggy Azalea CD] I don't even know what that's supposed to be.

[gets to Nicki Minaj CD] [long, quiet, contemplative pause] [looks around nervously] [slips into briefcase] I'll...  listen...  to that one...  later.

Sigh. None of these are of any use to me. Wait, what's this last one?

SABAN: Well, now this looks like it might be something I could get behind. Who doesn't love a good song about a well-balanced, nutritious meal? [puts on headphones]

Oh...um.  [gets up, closes office door]

Oh my.

[turns ashen] I don't know if this is... [reaches to shut off music]

GUCCI MANE: If I stood on top my money I'd be taller than LeBron

SABAN [sitting back down]: Well maybe I should hear this fella out

GUCCI: It's Guwop up in this bitch call me Mr. Pink Slip

SABAN [scribbling on legal pad]: totally using that one on the greyshirts

GUCCI: I got a money scheme / pockets got the mumps, like Professor Klump

SABAN: I always felt that movie didn't get enough respect.

GUCCI: If you dissin' me then dis me and be very specific / and I'm not dissin' I'm talkin' numbers graphs and statistics

SABAN: See, this is what I always say. It's just the process.

GUCCI: I don't talk my money do the talkin' usually, I'm super chillin' but my money be the rudest

SABAN [picking up phone]: Bill! I think I've got it. And hey, the NCAA lifted the food restrictions, right?