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MUSICAL WEEK: HELLO!

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DING DONG

As we mentioned earlier, Spencer on vacation = we do all the shit he doesn't like. And until we figure out a way to write a post literally constructed from cheese, that means musical theater, all damn week. Today, please welcome several of your favorite offensive minds for their version of "Hello!" from The Book of Mormon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(doorbell rings)

GUS MALZAHN: Hello!
My name is Coach Malzahn
And I would like to share with you the most amazing scheme

RICH RODRIGUEZ: Hello!
My name is Coach Rich Rod
It's a scheme that won the Sugar Bowl a long long time ago

GUS MALZAHN: It lets
You run so many plays
You simply won't believe how many points you'll score per game

KEVIN SUMLIN: Hello!
My name is Coach Sumlin
And it's fair to say defense is not my middle name

HUGH FREEZE: Hello!
My name is Coach Hugh Freeze
I know that some coaches say this strategy's not safe

But they've
No evidence of that
To be honest some of those coaches are overpaid

SONNY DYKES: Hello!
Please call me Sonny Dykes
I'd like to tell you all about this strategy we use

KEVIN SUMLIN: Hello!

RICH RODRIGUEZ: Hello!

HUGH FREEZE: Hello!

SONNY DYKES: No, it's not perfect
In fact, my Cal teams don't win near as often as they lose

RICH RODRIGUEZ: Hello!

GUS MALZAHN: My name is-

KEVIN SUMLIN: Down set hike!

SONNY DYKES: Just try this once at home
The defense hates this look

HUGH FREEZE: Bonjour!

KEVIN SUMLIN: Hola!

RICH RODRIGUEZ: Ni hao!

KEVIN SUMLIN: Me llamo Coach Sumlin!

HUGH FREEZE: We'll give you just the thing to beat the Crimson Tide

ALL: Beating the Tide
Is super fun
And if you listen up
We'll show you how it can be done

KEVIN SUMLIN: No thanks?

HUGH FREEZE: You sure?

KEVIN SUMLIN: Oh well.

HUGH FREEZE: That's fine.

KEVIN SUMLIN: Goodbye.

HUGH FREEZE: Have fun in Hell.

ALL: You simply won't believe how quick
We get back to the line
We get back to the line
We get back to the liiiiine

(loud buzzing)

DANA HOLGORSEN: HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SCORE A MILLION POINTS THIS SHIT'LL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' GENIUS

VOICE OVERHEAD: No, no, Coach Holgorsen! That's not how we do it! You're making things up again! Just stick to the approved dialogue! Coaches, show him!

COACHES: Hello!

DANA HOLGORSEN: Hello!

COACHES: My name is

DANA HOLGORSEN: Dana Holgorsen!

COACHES: And we would like your offense to stop settling for three!

HUGH FREEZE: Hello!

SONNY DYKES: Hello!

KEVIN SUMLIN: Ding-dong!

GUS MALZAHN: Hi-ho!

SONNY DYKES: Just take a look!

KEVIN SUMLIN: It's free!

RICH RODRIGUEZ: For you!

HUGH FREEZE: For me!

COACHES: You see
You simply won't believe how quick
We get back to the line
We get back to the line
We get back to the line
And you'll see Saban

HUGH FREEZE: Bell-oooooooooow!

COACHES: We haven't won it all
But if you've watched our games
You know that we can move the ball
Just keep the pace throughout
Tire the defense out
We can fully guarantee you that this
Will make Bielema whine
Will make Bielema whine
Will make Bielema whine

The hurry up nooooo hudddlllllllle
Noooooooo hudddddddle

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo!