clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

A MICHIGAN ZODIAC

New, 934 comments

CAME WITH MY DOMINO'S DELIVERY MENU

WE ARE ALL MADE OF 4-STARS
WE ARE ALL MADE OF 4-STARS

Since taking over the Hoke-stained helm of Michigan football several months ago, head coach Jim Harbaugh has demonstrated his particularly forceful brand of enthusiasm both in press conferences and, more enjoyably so, on Twitter.

Well, Jim, you can't just designate things that are already true. Of course 2015 is the Year of Hard Work! Ask the facilities staff, who've been working around the clock to get the "hot pockets and fear" smell out of your office.

Beyond that, though, there's a whole astrological cycle to these things that's beyond your control. Look, I made a chart!

2015: HARD WORK

Elements: a winnable out-of-conference schedule and a low "just don't let anyone get hurt, but if they do, take them out of the game" bar

2016: EXUBERANCE

Pairs well with: Ohio State losing all six quarterbacks to the draft

2017: RECONSIDERED EXPECTATIONS

well maybe Purdue is stronger than everyone thinks this year

nope, they're still shitty, we had no excuse for that

2018: WELTZSCHMERZ

Let's go to Wikipedia for this one.  "Weltschmerz, from the German, meaning world-pain or world-weariness is a term coined by the German author Jean Paul and denotes the kind of feeling experienced by someone who understands that physical reality can never satisfy the demands of the mind. This kind of world vie-oh, listen to me prattling on, trying to tell Michigan people romantic literary concepts. Anyways, you lose the Detroit Bowl this year.

2019: YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GOING TO NAPA INSTEAD THIS AUTUMN, DEAR

"I gave my tickets to one of the associates at work, you didn't want them, did you?"

2020: THE YEAR OF FORCIER: YOU GUESSED IT, THERE'S MORE OF 'EM

You think you've used them all up, but they're just underground, sleeping. They're football cicadas.

2021: REDEMPTION

[looks at chart again] well, that's what it says here, anyways. Might just be 1997. That was a good year. Third Eye Blind and whatnot.

2022: THE YEAR OF HEALTHY PROTEIN, SPONSORED BY CHOBANI

Sorry about this one. Dave Brandon signed some long-term endorsement deals and we couldn't get out of all of them.

2023: THE YEAR OF THE DOG

It'd be a pretty lousy zodiac if it didn't have one.

2024: SUCCESS

Finally, a Big Ten title win (in a thrilling overtime game at Wembley Stadium against UConn), and a spot in the playoff. Things are finally going Blue!

2025: HUBRIS

WE ARE GODS AMONG MEN, SHRINK IN AWE AT THE SIGHT OF OUR MICHIGAN ALUMNI LICENSE PLATE HOLDER.

2026: OVERREACH

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and sadly, all records of whatever happened between 2011 and 2014 were burned. No one knew it wasn't a good idea to hire a middling mid-major coach just because he had connections here.

Gonna be some hard work next year.