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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL HAD A PIZZA PARTY

IN THE DANG AIRPORT

By Ryan Nanni
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

If you read the bracket of Worst Internet Things assembled by Jon Bois, you know that the very last seed was Sportswriters Tweeting From Airports. But Jon Bois was wrong, because without Sportswriters (and I use that term loosely) Tweeting From Airports, I would not have been able to tell people about this:

And now I'm going to break down this story in further detail for you.

My friend Jackson and I were supposed to fly from Charlotte to New York last night on a 7:25 flight. Shortly after we got to the airport, we learned the flight had been substantially delayed, so we did what I usually do in these situations - walk around aimlessly and pretend that there's ever been anything interesting to do or see in an airport.

Part of that meandering is to scope out dinner options. You're going to pay well more than you should no matter what you choose, but you can at least try to find something that won't be total garbage, or trick yourself into thinking that the Feta Chicken Wrap you picked is somehow healthy. (You also got an oatmeal cookie instead of the chocolate chip, because oatmeal something something essential fiber.)

Once the meandering was done and we'd enjoyed our $17 semi-garbage, it was time to go back to the gate. Sitting at the gate for a flight that's already been delayed three hours makes you nervous every time an agent gets on the PA. They're probably not going to say "everything's going really smoothly, just letting you know." At best, you're getting a few sentences of non-information and a half-hearted thank you for flying Airline Company.

Or so I thought, because I did NOT expect the agent to announce that Airline Company was ordering pizza due to our lengthy delay. What kind of toppings were they going to get? How many pizzas would they estimate would be necessary? Would we all put on soccer jerseys and pretend that we were a youth team, fresh off a 4-2 defeat? I've been to my fair share of pizza events, but never a pizza party thrown by an airline because of flight delays.

Now I can tell you how one is thrown.
1) Announce pizza is being ordered. Passengers will likely be amused by this development, especially if one of them is a 31 year old dipshit who spends way too much time tweeting about nothing.

2) Wait 40ish minutes, so that the passengers can start to wonder if the pizza party was a lie meant to keep them calm. It's not like they're going to walk out on you if it was.

3) Bring out a cart with ice, cups, and cans of soda. Set some plates on the ledge of the gate agent desk, because there is no foldable table or similar youth group-style furniture on which you can throw this pizza party.

4) This is the really wild part: bring the pizza out FROM THE JETWAY AND NOT FROM THE TERMINAL. See, during the meandering portion of the evening, Jackson and I saw at least two other pizza options in the airport: Papa John's and Sbarro. Delta did not stroll down to either of these vendors and place an order. They called Domino's, sent out a supervisor to pick up the Domino's, waited for the supervisor to drive back onto the tarmac and bring the Domino's to the gate, and then ferried the Domino's up the jetway on a damn wheelchair.

I can't tell you how wonderfully strange this sight was. It'd be like if you turned on the faucet in your bathtub and wrapped Reese's Cups started coming out instead of water.

5) Announce that the pizza party is beginning, even though there is no music and everyone is mostly eating silently. Except, again, for the giggling Twitter idiot.

Did the Impromptu Delta Pizza Party make our flight smoother or the delay an hour shorter? No. Was this the first Airline Pizza Party in history? Also no, though ours was a bit more comfortable seating wise. But it was a new and fascinating experience in an unexpected place, tarnished by only one thing - the asshole who wasn't on our flight but decided it was totally fine to stroll up and take a slice of pizza. You didn't even bother sitting at our gate to keep up the charade, you thieving piece of shit, and your face is seared into my memory forever. I hope all your teeth fall out in the middle of a really good date you're having.