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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS IN THE WRONG BUSINESS

WE WILL NEVER HAVE THE BEST COLLEGE SPORTS JOB

By Ryan Nanni
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

The greatest job in college sports is not head coach at (name of school) or athletic director at (name of other school) or even Jimmy Sexton. Those jobs are really great, for sure, and you might even get to work at one of them some day. But you will never hold the most esteemed position in college football, because you do not meet the fundamental requirement: you are not a collie, and Reveille is.

The privileges Reveille holds go far beyond a great spot on the sideline, special funerary arrangements, and total control over the academic calendar at Texas A&M. She also plays a major role in athletic department personnel moves; in fact, John Chavis only decided to leave LSU after Reveille successfully beat Les Miles in a Lincoln-Douglas debate competition. Reveille has a seat on the Federal Reserve Board of Governors. (She thinks Stanley Fischer is nice enough but has some outdated views on open trading systems.) Reveille can get a 10 day contract with the Dallas Mavericks whenever she wants. Reveille secretly pushes the launch button every time NASA sends something into space. Reveille has keys to Ina Garten's house. And we're not talking about the guest house. The MAIN house. The one with the good bottles of port.

So no, you're not going to have the best job in college sports, and we're sorry for that. But consider this: millions of dogs don't get to be Reveille either, and they don't get to explain it away as a species thing. Those poor dogs. They'll never know how sweet it is to get shitfaced off Ina Garten's port and launch a new communications satellite.