AMERICA'S BEST PLACES TO LIVE IN 2016

Yesterday Chip Kelly traded a live body for Sam Bradford in an NFL business transaction. Chip Kelly was fearless as a college coach, fond of making unorthodox moves both on and off the field. We remain certain of his success as a pro football coach because of this fearlessness and relentless invention. He turned Mark Sanchez into a serviceable NFL starter; certainly he can take Sam Bradford even further.

In no way related to Chip's brave and probably unimpeachable approach to building a roster, here's a new report we put together on some of the Best Places to Live in America in 2016

BEST PLACE FOR A SHORT STAY: Piscataway, New Jersey

An ideal place to just breeze through on a work assignment for a year, Piscataway is used to transient professional labor thanks to its mostly academic workforce. Former resident R. Prince says the extended stay housing options are "plentiful, but you have to be willing to share a bathroom with one of the handful of Nets who got left behind in the move to Brooklyn. Mehmet Okur's not great about cleaning up after he shaves his beard in the tub."

BEST PLACE TO BUILD EQUITY: Lubbock, Texas

From the moment you arrive, you get the sense that this is a place where boom times are right around the corner. Sure, it's not great now, but don't you want to get in while the price is low? Set yourself up with some cheap property, and then once the handsome-and-possibly-inept local business mogul gets run out of town, you're set up to step in and lead a new era of prosperity.

BEST PLACE TO DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY: Ames, Iowa.

Moving up isn't always about, you know, moving up. Sometimes it's about moving out, way out, so far out into the middle of the country you can focus on what's important: clean water, the ability to create your own football-based cryptocurrencies, and to have your own inexplicable riots from time to time. It's a place that grows on you if you let it, which is why Gene Chizik had to flee to Auburn for a cycle of powerful agricultural antibiotics not fit for use on humans.

Gene Chizik in 2008

BEST PLACE FOR THE BEACH LOVER IN YOU: Coral Gables, Florida.

A tropical paradise where only an idiot would wear a full starched shirt with tie to work. There are so many questions to answer about the numerous virtues of South Florida living, but the first and most important is: Who does this? What kind of fool would continue, despite all sense and lax contemporary standards of business dress, to wear a full starched white dress shirt with tie when they work outdoors? Those moving to South Florida have a thirst for the kind of easy pace beachfront living brings, but most of all they understand that only the most deranged, insane, heat-addled sweatfiend would ruin the experience by wearing a shirt and tie when they work outside--especially if they were someone like a football coach! This person must be the most foolish person in the world. If you're not that person, Coral Gables and its outstanding luxury home market would be for you, and your "I'll actually recruit two sides of the ball at once and not wear a goddamn nightshirt tucked into my khakis" self.**

**Unless he's hiding a treasure map that's been tattooed on his chest. In that case, it totally makes sense that you wouldn't want anyone to find La Plata de Dennis Erickson.

BEST PLACE FOR THE OUTDOORSY TYPE: Eugene, Oregon. A tight housing market is the only drawback to living in this funky, eclectic university town. Your best bet? Find someone who's just housesitting, and then see if you can cut a deal.

BEST PLACE TO FEEL WELCOME NO MATTER WHAT: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Welcome, new friend! We're very excited to meet you and hope you'll stay a while. You will stay, won't you? Please stay. Please don't leave us. We'll be good. We won't lose to Akron again. We promise.