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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL NEVER GOES TO CLUB LA VELA

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NEVER NEVER NEVER GO FULL PCB

Dak Prescott (1) won't be pressing charges against anyone in the assault (2) that left him bloodied outside a Waka Flocka (3) concert at Club La Vela (4) in Panama City Beach. (5)

1. The starting quarterback for the Mississippi State Bulldogs and most successful thing about the Shreveport-Bossier City metropolitan area ever. However, Prescott was born elsewhere: Sulphur, Louisiana, named for the sulphur mining industry there. If you wonder where you have to be from to seek asylum in the notorious SBC, well, you have to be from a place that smells like literal hellfire 24/7.

2. Even if the people who allegedly beat up Prescott and two other Miss State football players may have happily admitted to it on Twitter. Never, ever tweet.

3. Softish throat drop spokesman and noted Atlantan.

4. Oh man if this all didn't sound like a bad enough idea by being in Panama City Beach to begin with, you have to add Club La Vela to the mix. Club La Vela was designed by an Auburn grad AND hosted WCW events. Those two facts alone should convince you never to go there, and that's before we remind you of its role as the backdrop for MTV's ode to gonorrhea, Wild On. Shaggy AND Saliva are both playing there in the next month. SHAGGY AND SALIVA.

5. So the rule is to never, ever got to Panama City Beach. But but but but no. Do not go. It is a gulch of fluorescent alcoholic pre-puke stands salted in between concrete nests of spring breakers and degenerate rednecks on hell's discount holiday. The ratio of men to women is 5 to 1 at its worst at the worst imaginable times, leaving it to become something less like a quaint beach romp, and more like a shirtless Karachi. You might get assaulted at a Waka Flocka concert, and no one should ever get assaulted at such a loving event as a Waka Flocka concert.