We're supposed to be a good sister site this morning and tell you to go check out Vox's extensive interview with President Obama. We should be oohing and aahing over this accomplishment for them, and the excellent job the design team did putting that feature together. Instead, we're going to one up them and release our own exclusive: the conversation we had with the Wrathful Restless Spirit of William Henry Harrison.
EDSBS: Mr. President, thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with us.
THE WRATHFUL RESTLESS SPIRIT OF WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: (shrieks, shatters a cabinet full of crystal wine glasses)
EDSBS: Let's talk about the elephant in the room - your untimely death.
HARRISON: OH, LET'S. I'M GUESSING YOUR DUMB ASS HEARD THAT I DIED BY STANDING OUTSIDE DURING MY INAUGURATION AND CATCHING A COLD. THAT'S JUST SOME SLANDEROUS SHIT JOHN FUCKFACE TYLER SPREAD. MY BODY WAS BARELY IN THE GROUND BEFORE THIS SMARMY VIRGINIA PENCILDICK STARTING JOKING "Oh, tell the kitchen staff I'll have hot breakfast. Don't want to end up like William!" HEY, JOHN. EVERY TIME YOU FOUND A HAIR IN YOUR OATMEAL?
THAT WAS ME. STAY TOASTY, ASSHOLE.
EDSBS: So then the true cause of your death was...
HARRISON: TYPHOID FEVER. LOT LESS AMUSING THAN "HE DIDN'T LAYER PROPERLY," ISN'T IT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ANTIBIOTICS WE HAD TO TREAT TYPHOID IN 1841? NONEMYCIN AND NOTINVENTEDYETCYCLINE. SO MY IDIOT DOCTOR JUST GAVE ME OPIUM AND ENEMAS LIKE WE WERE AT AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL HOSTED BY CHARLES DICKENS.
EDSBS: That must have been a painful way to go?
HARRISON: PAINFUL IS BEATING THE PISS OUT OF TINY MARTIN VAN RUIN IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THEN ONLY LASTING A MONTH BECAUSE D.C.'S PUBLIC SEWAGE PLAN AMOUNTED TO "JUST PILE UP ALL THE SHIT IN A FIELD, I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE." REMEMBER THAT NEXT TIME YOU'RE WHINING ABOUT A 45 MINUTE WAIT AT BRUNCH, YOU ASSHOLE.
EDSBS: We will, Mr. President. Thank you again.
HARRISON: AND TELL ANDY DALTON IF HE DOESN'T WIN A DAMN PLAYOFF GAME HE'S GETTING THE OATMEAL PUBE TREATMENT, TOO.