clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

HOW GEORGIA IS THIS CRIME?

New, 879 comments

YOU CAN HIDE CHEESE IN SO MANY PLACES

Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

You've probably never thought about it, but how many blocks of cheese do you think you could hide in a car? Ten? Twenty? Could you get all the way up to fifty-seven if we let you use a child's diaper bag? If you started answering this question without asking why you were stashing all this cheese, congratulations - you are the kind of person who gets things done. If you stopped to wonder what your motivation was, way to be a disappointment who will never accomplish anything.

So: how Georgia is it to steal some detergent, clothes, and a disturbing amount of cheese from Wal-Mart? While your baby's with you? Let's consult the Stipe-Ping Pyramid of Georgianity. (And thanks to Cari Wade Gervin for bringing this story to our attention.)

Georgia Pyramid
Question 1: Did the crime in question involve a vehicle? Dude, they hid cheese in the floorboards of their car. The car wasn't just a getaway vehicle. It was also the stash house. Imagine for a moment if they'd gotten away with this crime. What are the odds that they'd forget one brick and end up with a fuel line full of sharp cheddar? The only shame here is that the make and model of the car aren't identified; I'm willing to bet on Toyota 4Runner. We're jumping straight up to the lower levels of Church here.

Question 2: How Georgia is the arrestee's name? According to certified Georgia expert Jason Kirk, Joshua Shane Caldwell, the Clyde of this pairing, only merits a 3/10 because there's nothing particularly Georgia about this name other than Joshua being a Biblical name. His Bonnie - Erika Danielle Caldwell - gets a 6.5, however, and you're damn right it's because of that K where you'd normally see a C. Not a huge bump in this category, but we're creeping up to the Croakies/Church border.

Question 3: What was the state of the arrestee's hair and dress? Sufficient to blend in at Wal-Mart, certainly.

Only one thing really stands out here: Joshua's facial hair. It's that weird stubble that seems like both the result of laziness and a carefully chosen and cultivated look at the SAME TIME. That'll bump this crime into the upper third of Croakies or so.

Question 4: Are there other factors which enhance or decrease the Georgianity of the crime? Among the non-cheese stolen items were clothes and ten bottles of Tide detergent, so go ahead and speculate that those would have been traded for drugs. But there was also a single candle. Was a romantic cheese feast in the works? If so, who would have watched the couple's baby, who was with them when this went down, necessitating the police to call a relative to come get the kid? (They also had weed on them, but come on, you can't be surprised by that.)

You're thinking this feels pretty Georgia, and then the bottom drops out: the Caldwells live in Chattanooga. As if Tennessee needed more losses in SEC play. Final appraisal: Neal Boortz.