[/Mike Leach voice]
There's a lot of ways to recruit, you see. The Navajo, they used to say that if something was touched by lightning, well then, you'd have to purify that. Well see, this recruiting class was like an eagle, just way over what we were doing, soaring high and up into the stratosphere where we rarely go. Then lightning struck, and yanno, you know how that goes when millions of volts of electricity meet tender living flesh.
It's not good. It's just not good.
So we caught fire, got up on the scoreboard, caught fire in a different and bad way, gave up a bunch of points, and still ended up winning. Sounds like Coug football to me. Great class, just needs a Navajo purification ceremony. Funny thing about those...
[/three hour discussion of Navajo purification ceremonies]
[/end Mike Leach voice]
9. Florida. The only people giving you any real, stupid drama on Signing Day, and perhaps for a few days afterwards. You're welcome. Signed, The Biggest Ongoing Inexplicable Car Crash in College Football For Five or Six Years and Running.
8. San Jose State. A 3-9 Spartans team managed to sign approximately a thousand three-star recruits and bested a whole mess of Big Five programs, so let's assume they're either opening an elaborate blackmail operation at SJSU or funneling Silicon Valley money into player development. They even recruited a better class than Iowa! This doesn't really say anything, but it's still fun to point out! (P.S. Iowa signed Brady Reiff, the brother of ol' Tiny Arms, but did not recruit a long-snapper or punter. A bittersweet class, in other words.)
7. Tennessee. We don't really care about the estimated particulars and stars. They recruited Preston Williams and signed him, and that is all that matters here.
Preston Williams, y'all pic.twitter.com/8Ju8mXfJqQ— Caleb Owen (@cowboy_caleb) February 4, 2015
The rest of the SEC is so, so fucked, and that's before we tell you that they signed a jolly defensive linemen in a bucket hat. A BUCKET HAT. DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE FEAR, AND ITS PROPER FACE?
6. Arkansas. Signed a giant Danish dude named Hjalte Froholdt, which is something we would write into a fanfic/erotica piece about Bret Bielema's ultimate signing day wet dream scenario. That includes not signing an offensive linemen coming out of high school who weighs less than 280 pounds. Bret Bielema's going to eventually have the Arkansas locker room looking like the leisure deck on that space-cruise liner in Wall-E by the time he's done.
5. Virginia Tech. Signed this dude, a large man in a bucket hat, and another guy named "Mook Reynolds", so it's an automatic classic without any further examination.
4. Notre Dame. Not just an objectively perfect class because they signed a multi-lingual prodigy named Equanimeous St. Brown, but because they filled so many slots Notre Dame loves to have. They signed Nicco Fertitta, who checks off the required boxes of a. Italian safety Northeastern ND fans will automatically love, and b.) is already rich as an heir to an MMA fortune, and thus not contaminated with poor person germs Irish fans live in mortal fear of catching. A class that fulfills general and specific needs, and also features a Bo Wallace impostor named "Bo Wallace"? Rousing success all around.
3. Alabama. Has a signee named "Christian Bell," and dammit--
2. Ole Miss. Signed Chad Kelly, thus automatically ensuring Ole Miss will be The Most Chad Kelly Team Available.
1. BYU. Now has a gigantic and not-at-all-fat and surprisingly jacked 410 pound man from Tonga who primarily played rugby in high school. Either he'll be a bust and get a free education, or he'll be the first man to throw another football player into the side of the Wasatch Range like an errant mortar shell. The winners by default.