THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL IS TOO SCARED TO MOVE

BYU did not finish with a Top 50 recruiting class yesterday. BYU probably does not care; they signed a six foot, seven inch, 410 pound lineman from Tonga named Motekiai Langi. There is no tape on Langi because he didn't play high school football and was only spotted by scouts playing a pickup basketball game. The plan is for Langi to spend the next couple of years as a missionary in Phoenix and then join the Cougars in 2017. We would suggest a different path: send him to Jupiter, where he will weigh 969 pounds. (And think of the muscle he'll develop due to the additional gravity!)

On Jupiter, Langi will ponder the mysteries of the universe and become Earth's best representative to other worlds. Species that have probably stayed hidden for centuries for fear of what harm we may bring them will demand to get a look at The Thousand Pound Human. He will inspire a healthy amount of fear; they'll assume all humans are this massive. But he will also teach them that we are capable of love, by gently nursing a space rabbit back to health.

And that's how the Church of Latter Day Saints conquers the galaxy. Have you heard the good news, alien peoples of Gliese 581 b? (cocks space laser rifle) You will.